He loves me, He loves me not
by ItsKatiee61
Summary: What if Caleb was killed that night in the lighthouse? The story continues with Hanna trying to cope with the loss of her one true love, and the impact it has on her relationship with her friends.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I sadly do not own any of these characters or Pretty Little Liars, they all belong to the genius that is I Marlene King.

**Author's note: **Firstly, I have to say I love Haleb and it broke my heart having to kill Caleb, but this story got stuck in my head and I had to write it. Secondly, I hope you enjoy reading it and please read and review. Also apologies for it being so long at the start, not all chapters will be this long in the future. Thanks -Katie.

Once they arrived at the scene, all three girls knew something was very wrong. Hanna tried ringing Caleb's phone numerous times on the way over but she got no answer. The journey to the lighthouse Inn where Caleb and Emily were seemed like hours. Every time a blue lighter sped passed the car, the three girls felt a single shiver run up their spines. Spencer tried to focus on the road, while still going the speed limit, try to suppress everything in her telling her to put her foot down and get there quicker.

"It's going to be okay, Emily and Caleb are fine. I know it, it has to be something to do with Paige, She killed Ali and Maya. The Police figured it out, there going to arrest and Caleb and Emily are fine." Spencer tried her best to spread a sense of ease around the car but it wasn't working.

"Emily and Caleb are fine..." She whispered trying to make herself believe it.

Aria sat in the front passenger seat, staring blankly ahead, within five minutes their world could change. She looked at her phone hoping for a response from one of the many text messages she had sent to Emily's Phone. Nothing.

"Answer, your fucking phone Caleb!" Hanna shouted making Spencer and Aria jump in the front. Losing patience Hanna threw her phone to the ground. "I need you to answer..." She spoke softly, knowing deep inside her heart something was wrong. Very wrong.

The first thing they saw as they approached the Inn was the striking yellow tape surrounding the scene, it stood out violently contrasting with the flashing red and blue lights in the background. It was way too reminiscent of Maya's death. As the three left the car, shadows of people moved behind the yellow tape. All merely shadows, no familiar faces appeared as they ran closer to the yellow tape.

"Where are they?" Aria questioned, speaking what was on each of their minds.

Just as Spencer, was about to cross the yellow tape, she was pushed back by a police officer; "I'm sorry miss, I cannot let you cross this line". Spencer tried again

"I need to see if my friends are okay!".

"I'm sorry ma'am, I can't let you through. Please remain calm and someone will be over to speak with you three girls as soon as everything has settled. Stay right here and do not cross this tape, or else I will arrest you in connection of trespassing on a active homicide site" The officer replied sternly.

"Homicide?" Spencer repeated, afraid to look at her two best friends.

As soon as the policeman left, the girls witnessed two bodies being loaded into the back of two ambulances. their bodies remained frozen, for three seniors, they had witnessed this too many times.

It was only when they saw Paige that their fears had really sunk in. All three girls reacted differently, Spencer's brain started to work in overload, trying to make logical sense of what she had just witnessed "We don't know who those bodies were, Emily and Caleb are fine, they're fine, It doesn't make sense. But Paige. Paige had to be A it all made sense. They're fine. Emily and Caleb are fine." Aria grabbed a hold of Spencer hand in an attempt to stop her rambling.

Emily finally appeared from behind to policemen, but was held back from her friends for questioning. "Em!" Spencer and Aria shouted in her direction, but in that instant Hanna collapsed to the ground, "The gun. It's, It's Caleb..." is all she managed as the silver barrel of the gun shone as it caught glimpse of the flashing lights, when a policeman passed holding it in a protective bag, already packed away as evidence.

Her whole life crumbled before her, Aria and Spencer grabbed hold of their friend in an attempt to calm their blond friend who had collapsed in shock. Her body went limp as she clutched to Aria and Spencer for support, sadly nothing could ease the pain she was now experiencing.

A female police officer approached, her eyes tinted with sadness, "Hanna Marin, I'm so sorr...".

"NO, No you can't tell me this, I don't want to hear it! Just go away. No please no". Hanna interrupted angrily. She refused to let a single tear fall, "This isn't real. This can't be happening..."

Emily's heart shattered into a thousand pieces watching her friend's expression, Hanna was in pure shock, something a little too familiar for Emily. The blonde girls face had turned to a sickly shade of white, as the news began to sink in, yet Emily could see Hanna was refusing to believe it, not letting a single tear roll down her cheek.

Hanna was too stubborn to allow this to happen. She knew in her heart if she allowed herself to cry, it would mean admitting to herself that he was gone.

That all changed when she felt a familiar pair of arms wrap themselves around her. Hanna buried her face into the taller girls dark hair. "Hanna, I'm so sorry". It was those three word that made Hanna lose it, a single droplet rolled down her pale cheek landing on her friend's shoulder. It only took that one tear drop to set off a thousand more that would fall over the coming days/weeks and months.

"I'm so sorry" Emily repeated, this time her voiced laced with guilt and remorse. If she hadn't fallen for Nate, now known to her as Lyndon's James she wouldn't have found herself in this situation and either would Caleb. Emily couldn't help but blame herself for Caleb's death. It was hard admitting this fact to herself how, will she ever be able to get Hanna's full forgiveness. '_It's all my fault' _these words already etched inside Emily's mind.

Over the next week, everything was very strange. For someone who just lost a boyfriend she loved, Hanna was acting quite normal. Tears were spilled at the ceremony, Hanna just about made her way through an emotional speech and she cried out in heartbreak as his body was lowered into the ground. Which considering the circumstances was quite normal, for someone who had just lost a someone they loved dearly.

It was behind closed doors where Hanna was really acting strange, she was normal. The usual Hanna Marin they went to school with on a regular basis, yes her witty and sarcastic remarks had lessened in number, but she still laughed like a normal teenager with her friends. Watched TV every evening with her Mom like they did on a regular basis and continued reading fashion magazines instead of doing homework.

The way she was acting terrified her friends, they all remember the deep depression Emily slipped into when Maya died, but it was like Hanna had immediately got over the fact Caleb was killed and that she fundamentally understood that fact. This made Emily's remorse even worse it was literally tearing her inside apart. She couldn't get over the fact it was her fault Caleb had died, the worse part was she couldn't bring herself to talk about this to Spencer, Aria or even Paige. Even though their relationship had grow immensely after that terrifying night. This thought in Emily's mind remained lock inside.

Little did they no the torment growing in Hanna heart was all about to explode thanks to their friend -A.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or PLL**

**Author's note**: Just a warning about occasional use of strong language in this chapter. Please read, review and enjoy. -Katie

Spencer and Aria had all met in Hanna's house for a sleepover, Emily couldn't attend because she had a date with Paige. They were all still just trying to adjust to normal life after what had happened.

Everything was going so well, it almost seemed as if things were _normal_ again. The girls had just finished watching Crazy Stupid Love, all slightly hyper and excited after watching Ryan Gosling onscreen for ninety minutes, even Hanna broke a smile when Ryan Gosling six pack appeared. It made her forget all about her problems if only for a few moments, it allowed her to feel like a _normal_ teenage girl unlike someone who has been through hell and back these past few weeks.

"Back in a sec, I'll order some pizza, and get us some drinks? We have wine, some old beers and a bottle of tequila, what are you guys feeling?" Hanna asked wandering out of the room.

"Hanna, maybe we should hold off on the drinks tonight, we've been drinking at every sleepover since Cal..." Spencer stopped herself from talking.

The girls had been having a lot of sleepovers recently, just as a way of making sure everyone was okay, it was also a subtle way of keeping an eye on Hanna, her strange behavior still made the other three girls nervous. They kept waiting for the time bomb inside of their blonde friend to go off but it never did. The only thing out of character was she always brought some form of alcohol with her- which really wasn't too out of character for Hanna Marin. The other three tried to ignore this fact and join in on the fun hoping this phase would eventually pass. It wasn't like they were drinking to get wasted they just drank til' they were all slightly tipsy and their spirits were lifted. Sadly the girls noticed it seemed like Hanna was drinking to help her sleep, it broke their hearts watching her like this, but she refused to talk.

"Tequila it is so" Hanna brushed off Spencer's remark and walked out of the room.

"This phase is going to stop, right Spence? She's okay? She's gonna be okay?" Aria asked Spencer a concerned look written across her face.

"Yeah, she's okay, it's gonna take a while. But I think she's handling it in her own way, I just wish she would talk to us..." Spencer sighed in response.

"But it's so different than when Emily lost Maya, Em was a wreck. Hanna's still Hanna only she won't mention anything regarding that night" Aria whispered in Spencer's direction knowing Hanna wouldn't be happy with what they're discussing if she heard from the kitchen.

"Hanna and Emily aren't the same person Ar, we can't compare them. Everyone deals with grief differently, Hanna's a lot stronger than we think she is, lets just hope she can keep being this strong." Spencer replied trying to reassure her dark haired friend.

"You know it been awhile since we heard anything from... -A" Aria said cringing inwards. While in that exact moment the two girls heard a loud bang come from the kitchen.

Aria and Spencer ran into the Marin's kitchen, Hanna was rolled up in a ball on the floor, tears continuously flowing from her blue eyes, as her body convulsed in pure terror.

Her phone lay on the floor beside her, the screen was cracked but the message written on it was still somewhat visible.

'He loves me, He loves me NOT. . .Forgotten all about tech boy yet Han? Here have a listen...Xo -A'

Aria surrounded her tiny body around the blonde girl, unfortunately gaining no response in return.

"It's okay Han, we're here. Spence and I are here. It's gonna be okay" Aria's word fell on deaf ears.

Spencer cautiously picked up the phone and placed it to her ear.

"Hanna! I love you. . . .I love you too Caleb" played on an ominous loop. It was the last thing Hanna had heard and said to Caleb before he died.

-A had finally broke Hanna.

After about a hour of sitting on the cold floor tiles in silence, broke only by Hanna's painful cries, Spencer finally needed to move, she needed to do something about this. Aria watched her as Hanna lay crumpled up in her arms still shaking and sobbing uncontrollable. Spencer made a round of coffee for everyone.

"Hanna, have some coffee. It'll be good to have something warm inside your stomach, especially since we haven't eaten all evening, Han please?" Spencer asked trying to place the coffee into Hanna's hand.

"Make it stop, please just make it stop" Hanna whimpered.

"Make what stop Han? talk to us" Aria tried to reassure her blonde friend.

"It won't stop playing in my head. His voice. The -A message. Cal...Him...make it stop, please make it all stop" Hanna's voice was barely audible but you could hear anger mixed in with her tone.

"It's okay Hanna, we're here for you. It's gonna be okay, we promise" Aria looked at Spencer who nodded in agreement with what she just said.

Hanna leaped up in anger "It's not going to be fuckin' okay, you don't understand. Just leave me alone!". Hanna voice ripped right through both Spencer and Aria.

Hanna grabbed the bottle of Tequila taking a large mouthful, her face wrinkled as the high alcohol content burned her throat on entry.

"Han, calm down. How about you have some coffee instead and we'll go figure this out" Spencer pushed the coffee in Hanna's direction.

"Sure Spence, I have some coffee, and we can talk about the murder of my boyfriend, and everything will return to normal and we can all live happily ever after, right Spence! Because that's how life works right?!" Hanna threw the coffee cup onto the floor and watched it smash into a thousand pieces, taking another gulp of tequila to stop the voice-mail she just heard from running around inside her head.

"Han, come on please..." Aria pleaded terrified by what Hanna might do next.

"No. First off you cannot promise me everything will be fucking okay. Caleb..." Her voice quivered when she said his name "Caleb, promised me he would leave the gun here and look where he now, so fuck promises." Hanna washed that down with another helpful of tequila she had gone through a third of the bottle already.

"Secondly, how the fuck do you and Spencer know everything is gonna be okay. When you leave, which will be soon, you can return home to Mr Fitz and Toby and act like nothing has ever happened! Neither of you understand what any of this is like so please can you both just leave and live your perfect lives with your perfect and _alive_ boyfriends!". Hanna words laced with venom shot in the direction of a shocked Spencer and Aria.

"Han, we can call your Mom or. . ." Aria tried to help.

"Please, just get the fuck out of my house" Hanna replied not feeling up to having a conversation.

"Hanna, Han.." Aria tried again, but Spencer pulled her away.

"We need to go Ar, She'll be okay. We need to leave" Spencer whispered as she dragged Aria out the door. Both girls eyes glistened as tears threatened to fall, they had never seen Hanna like this before, it was heart wrenching watching their friend suffer once again at the hands of -A.

"One day, I am going to find and kill whoever is -A" Spencer hissed taking out her phone to call Emily.

"Don't worry I'll be right there behind you to hide the body" Aria added.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own these character or Pretty Little Liars.**

**Author's note: Thank you for the follows, favourites and reviews, it gives me inspiration to keep this story going. I will be updating weekly so I will be posting a new chapter every Friday. I cannot wait for the Halloween episode on Tuesday just 4 more days. Thanks again for all your interest in this story, I hope you enjoy reading this chapter. Please read and review -Katie**

"Hey Em, It's Spence, I know it's late but it's kinda important", Spencer heard giggling in the background and immediately she knew she had interrupted at a bad time.

"Paige stop..." Emily said in the background before finally giving her full attention to Spencer. "What's wrong? You guys get in a fight over who's hotter Ryan Gosling or Tom Hardy again?" Emily laughed.

"No Em, it's serious... It's about Hanna. I think -A finally broke her..." Spencer shared an understanding look with Aria while her voice full of fear, anxiety and honest worry for her friend, began to fill in the pieces for Emily.

All the playfulness in the background on Emily phone suddenly stopped, "What's wrong? what happened? Is she okay? where are you guys?" Emily asked her voice trembled with urgency.

"She threw us out Em. I couldn't put up a fight against her wishes, I was afraid by staying she would get even angrier and do something crazy, so I pulled Aria out the front door, leaving her there. Em, I'm sorry we're sorry we should have stayed... I've never seen her like this before. She's never gonna forgive us for leaving. Emily she'll talk to you..." Spencer voice broke as she spoke, allowing Emily to interject.

"I'm on my way to her house now, I talk to you both tomorrow" Emily said before quickly hanging up the phone.

"Wait Em, she's also been drinking...please just make sure she's okay" Spencer looked at her phone, "Dammit she's gone!".

"Chill Spencer, I'll text her. Emily has been through this before, Hanna knows that, and you know how much Hanna and Emily get each other. They'll like Team Sparia only it's Team Hannily." Aria tried to lighten the mood nudging into the taller girl's shoulder, also both gaining a sense of comfort from the contact. "Emily will get through to Hanna, she will. She just will." Aria then placed her hand on Spencer's arm still looking for some kind of reassurance that their friend was going to be okay.

Emily let herself into the Marin household, she knew Ashley had gone away on a business trip this weekend and it would give Hanna way to many opportunities to get rid of her if she just stood in the doorway, waiting on Hanna to answer.

"Hanna! Hanna?! It's Emily, where are you? Hanna?" Emily began searching all the rooms, she knew Hanna was good at this kind of thing. She could hide when she wanted to. Hanna was very good at hiding things from her friends, something she learned from Alison. They should have realised sooner. These past few weeks Hanna had been_ hiding_.

Hanna Marin was a master of disguise, she had become a pro at hiding her emotions. After all she did learn from the best Alison! Only Hanna hid emotions like Ali hide secrets.

If Hanna could hide a eating disorder from 3 of her best friends for over two years, she was going to be able to hide her anger, grief and overall fear extremely well. Emily shook her head in pure annoyance they should have figured it out so much sooner. The sick feeling of guilt began to bubble in Emily's stomach again, she pushed it to the back of her mind once again, she needed to find Hanna.

Emily walked into the kitchen, she saw the coffee mug along with the dark coffee spill lying across the usually pristine white floor-tiles, she then spotted Hanna's phone which just stared up at her, Emily dared not to touch it, She would deal with that after.

"Hanna, If you don't come out now, I will call your Mom..." Emily yelled the usually calm girl began to lose her patience.

"Hann..." She was interrupted by a noise upstairs, she knew it was Hanna.

Emily ran upstairs trying to follow the noise, she knew would stop any second. Hanna didn't want to be found and Emily knew Hanna would be kicking herself for giving away her secret spot.

Emily followed the last of the sound as it faded out, a flushing toilet. Emily knew instantly where to look. It was without doubt one of Hanna favourite rooms in her house. Her mother's en-suite.

"Han..." Emily called out quietly to her friend as she slowly peered around the door.

"Emmily, get the out of here now, Emm gooo..." Hanna words slurred from her mouth as she clasped a half empty bottle of tequila.

Emily didn't say a word she just sat down on the cold bathroom floor and wrapped her arms around her friend, She knew no words could make the pain Hanna was feeling at this moment, any better.

Hanna didn't move, holding her body upright, refusing to fall into Emily hold. The blonde was unbelievably stubborn at times.

Emily started to speak "I knew you'd be in here, I should have come up here first, it is your favourite room in the house right? Hanna Marin known for style and class and her favourite room in her home is her mother's en-suite bathroom." Hanna took another swig of the bottle, the alcohol went down a whole lot easier now her teeth and throat had gone numb.

"I remember when we were twelve, and you told me why you loved this room. It was just me and you on a stormy afternoon after we had watched The Little Rascals for like the 100th time, we were just talking and you brought me in here and showed me around. You said how every Friday night your Mom would come in here and put on her make up before she went out for the night with your Dad, but she always let you put on some makeup too." Hanna sat back resting her head on Emily shoulder, eventually giving in. Her sobs beginning to replace the anger she had fired at Spencer and Aria earlier.

"You told me how you and your Mom would sit in front of the mirror laughing and joking, as you put layer upon layer of her Chanel lipstick on you lips. Afterwards you would grab her hairspray and make crazy different hairstyles, and finally finish it all off with a crazy colour of eye shadow usually a shocking blue or luminous pink. Then you'd go into your parents room find you're mother's dressing gown and costume jewellery and come running back into the bathroom while your Mom was still getting ready. You'd hop into the shower and sing into the shower head like you were Britney Spears. You told me that It was one of your favourite things to do, but mostly because of the way you could so easily make your Mom laugh." Hanna cradled her head further into Emily shoulder, Emily took a moment to wipe the tear stains on her best friends cheeks even though she knew they would be replaced almost instantly.

Emily continued, speaking softly "You know what really broke my heart about that story Han? When you told me it was the one room in the house where you could go and you wouldn't be able to hear anything from downstairs, you told me about how you would hide in here when your parents were fighting in the kitchen, looking through you Mom's expensive makeup, or reading the different fashion magazines left on the shelf beside the vanity. Hanna Marin, it's because of this I think you're this amazing person you are today, it's because of this, you're the Hanna Marin we've all come to love. You figured out a way to get through that and you can figure out a way to get through this too. You've been through so much already. I know, and Spence and Aria know you can get through this, you are a fighter Hanna and we love you because of that, you just need to start believing it. Emily kissed the top of Hanna's head as she looked down upon the blonde girls face. Hanna had passed out on her shoulder but she looked peaceful and that was good enough for Emily.

Over the next few weeks Hanna's behaviour stayed much the same, she skipped class, cried herself to sleep at night and kept pushing Aria and Spencer away. Emily was the only one she could really relate to. Emily was the only one she really let have a glimpse at what was going on in her mind.

But things were still not improving for Hanna, her ever disappearing connection to Spencer and Aria, her over-reliance on Emily; who's guilt was slowly tearing her apart inside, and the ever growing darkness inside of her, made Hanna consider giving into the darkness but thank goodness for her stubbornness. Hanna Marin was a fighter, she just didn't quite believe it yet. unfortunately things still had to get worse for her before they could get any better.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't not own PLL or these characters. Although I do wish I did.**

Three weeks had passed, it was a Friday night and Emily had postponed another date with Paige just to hang out with Hanna, not that it could really be

considered hanging out, as they usually just watched a movie and Hanna would fall asleep on Emily's shoulder. Hanna was consistently tired as she tried to fight her way out of depression.

Emily tried her best to bring up different topics of conversation, to get Hanna talking, but the blonde usually just groaned in response or told her to "Shhh" as if she was really invested in the movie.

Emily was staring to get sick of this routine, especially since her relationship with Paige was becoming strained thanks to the amount of time she invested in Hanna. Paige's last text when Emily cancelled read 'Maybe Hanna should be your girlfriend, you are spending that much time with her, see you whenever -Paige', this message at first angered Emily but she could also understand, it was time Hanna accepted the love and understanding of her two other best friends.

Emily sent a message to both Spencer and Aria 'It's time to talk -Em Xo', gaining a quick response from her two friends, first from Spencer 'Thanks, be there in two minutes -S xx ', followed by Aria's response 'Already on my way -Aria x'.

Hanna returned from the bathroom and took her seat next to Emily on the couch. She jumped a little when she heard the front door open, "I thought you said you Mom was in Texas Em?" Hanna asked, her voice was groggy from tiredness.

"Yeah she is, I invited Spen..." Emily was interrupted when Aria and Spencer walked into the room, causing Hanna to immediately stand up defensively, she still wasn't ready to talk.

"Hey Han it's been awhile, we've missed you" Aria said in the blonde's direction adding a sincere smile, Spencer standing beside her.

"First off, I can't believe you would invite them here Emily, I thought you understood, you know what it's like. I don't want them here. Get them to leave!" Hanna's words fired towards the tanned girl. "Secondly, nothing has changed since I said everything I wanted to say that night in my house, so please stay the fuck out of my life and business. The pain just doesn't magically disappear in three week Aria. The fact that you, and Spencer over there, are still living perfect fucking lives doesn't make my life any easier".

"Hanna, calm down please, we just want to be there for you if you just take a second to fucking listen to us, we might be able to work this mess out" Spencer tried, her voice laced with more anger than she intended, she just really wanted her friend back.

"Okay, go ahead, make my fuckin' day Spencer. If anyone can it's gonna be you right?" Hanna retaliated just as angry.

"First off, I know Aria or I cannot know how much pain you are going through, and every person in this room understands that fact Hanna! It's understandable why you'll only talk to Emily but from what I've heard you're not even talking to her" Spencer glared at Hanna.

"Secondly I dunno if you remember but we all shared somewhat of a similar experience when our best friend Alison died! We all know what is like to lose someone Han, This has absolutely nothing got to do with Ezra or Toby. We are your friends. We care about you Hanna, whether you want to see it like that or not" Spencer stated, the anger now eased to a strong level of concern for one of her best friends.

Hanna stood they laughing cynically, and started to clap her hands, gaining worried looks in response.

"Don't even dare to compare Alison with..., just don't! Alison was a bitch who made our lives a living hell. Yes, she was one of our best friends and I'm not saying she deserved what she got, but do not fucking compare Alison Dilaurentis to him!" Hanna voice began to break as the tears once again welled up in her blue eyes.

"Han, give them a chance, they want to help.." Emily said approaching her friend who was on the verge of another breakdown.

"Emily, don't you fucking start please, you're the only one who gets it" Hanna pushed away Emily's arm.

"Yes, Han I know exactly how you're feeling. But it was you, Spence and Aria who really helped me through the worst. Look I'm happy again, I have three amazing best friends, I'm back on the swim team and I have found an incredible girlfriend. Hanna you need to let us in!" Emily said reaching out to her, but quickly retreated as she saw anger replace sadness in Hanna's now darkened eyes.

"I can't believe you Emily Fields, you know what this is like. So, basically I'll just go and find myself someone to replace Cal...him, and everything will return to normal yeah? So us four just go back to being best friends and it will be like nothing changed? Well everything has fucking changed, everything is so fucking messed up. I have never felt so alone and so crazy like this before and you three just want to paste over the cracks. Life doesn't fucking work like that, I thought you understood that Emily!" Hanna said retreating further away from her friends, still fighting off the tears which threatened to fall.

_Do not show weakness, _these words tumbled around Hanna's mind once again. It was a phrase becoming more and more prominent inside of the blonde, sadly it was doing her more harm than good.

"Hanna, will you please just fucking listen to me! we are here to help you, we're not trying to make things worse for you. Stop being so fucking stubborn for one second and listen!" Emily raise her voice, causing all three girls to stop in a moment of shock, they never heard Emily lose her cool before and she was swearing, something Emily never did.

Spencer and Aria shared knowing looks, this was going to get a lot worse before it could get any better. They had never seen such anger bouncing between Hanna and Emily. They were always the ones who stuck together and always agreed with one another.

"This is bad", Spencer whispered in the petite brunette's direction, knowing that all hell was about to break loose.

"Please don't be so condescending Emily, it doesn't look nice on you, please tell me how the fuck I'm being so stubborn, when you were the one telling me to 'talk when I'm ready' and I can take all the time I need to heal...You are, you all are so full of crap!" Hanna spat back.

"Hanna, I have been with you everyday for over three weeks, I come over or you call over as soon as I finish school. I have stopped going to my after-school swim lessons because I want to get back to you, to make sure you're okay! I'm failing over half of my classes because I have lost sleep and study time, worrying and trying to look after you. I have sacrificed my relationship because of all this, Paige is beginning to despise me..." Emily hissed in retaliation of Hanna words.

"Okay Em really... Condescending much? You do not have to look after me, I'm not some fuckin' helpless child who needs to be watched in case I do something crazy! I'm sorry my problems have become such a fuckin' chore for you I never meant for them to be. I've never actually physically stopped you from seeing Paige. But If my problems are causing you to not get some from Paige, then I think it's time we re-considered this thing we use to call friendship, especially if sex with your girlfriend is more important!" Hanna's voice went breathless as she screamed out the last of her argument.

"Hanna no one is saying any of this, you know I didn't mean that when I was getting my point across. Stop fucking twisting my words, to make it seem like the whole world is against you. I'm so fuckin' close to making you leave, it you don't just listen to what we have to say. Hanna! We all love and care about you..." Emily once again retaliated her voice still laced with anger, something which was still shocking to see from Spencer and Aria's perspective.

"Fuck you, fuck you all, you don't have to make me leave, I'm going. Spencer and Aria, whatever I really don't care what you both have to say! Ohh and Em, I..I can't believe you. You do remember you were in this position not so long ago yeah? I mean has it even been a year since Maya died and you have already moved on with your life, wow now that's impressive!" Hanna knew immediately she hit Emily hard with that one. Her heart was wishing she could take it back but it was already too late, her words hit Emily like a ton of bricks.

"Go have some fun with Paige, I think you're in need of it" Hanna couldn't help herself to one final blow, she wanted her friends to experience exactly what she was feeling, even though she knew Emily already had with Maya's death.

The blue eyed girl remembered the day she saw Emily smile, her trademark smile for the first time after Maya had died, it must have been weeks. On that night she remembered she would never let that smile disappear from Emily's face again. She promised herself that if anyone of her friends every faced such a situation, she would make it her mission to make them smile again. Hanna scolded herself when she thought about wanting this for herself- it was selfish, dis-respective and most of all she felt she didn't deserve it, she just wanted someone to make it better, she wanted someone to make her laugh, smile and just breath again, She wanted _him_ back safe, alive and hers again.

She knew what she had said, especially to Emily was truly horrible. To hurt the one person she was closest too, and who was actually helping her through all this, tore her up inside, allowing a little more darkness to seep in.

Hanna grabbed her stuff and walked out the door, "Fuck! I know it's all my fault...I'm sorry" Emily screamed after her, but the words were barely audible to Hanna. She had heard what Emily said she just wasn't willing to take it in right now.

**Author's Note:** Since the Halloween Special is airing tonight I decided to upload another chapter, which will still be followed by Chp. 5 on Friday. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, it wasn't easy for me to write. Unfortunately things still have to get a lot worse for Hanna in the next few chapters. We're gonna see some more of Spencer and Aria's POV on the situation in the coming chapters as well as a Haleb flashback in the next chapter, which was incredibly hard to write. Anyway please review, all reviews good and bad are welcome, and thanks again for reading -Katie


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars, or these character unfortunately. **

Hanna walked into her house and tried to act as calm as possibly, the last thing she needed was her mother giving her another talk, they was no escape from people's scrutiny. Hanna just wanted everyone to leave her alone.

"Hi Mom, wasn't feeling great so I decided to come home from Emily's. I know I should have called, I'm sorry, please don't start start giving me another lecture... I think I'm gonna head to bed, goodnight Mom" Hanna reeled off the speech that she had practiced over and over on the drive back home. Hanna had left before Ashley had the opportunity to speak a word. The red haired women just stood there in silence, her heart breaking that little bit more everything she saw Hanna act like this since Caleb's death.

Hanna walked into her room, her mind racing and was frankly refusing to stop. Her whole body still trembled with anger and hurt, which she had refused to show her Mother. Hanna knew she was good at hiding her true self, she thanked Alison for this skill, in truth this skill became Hanna's closest friend these past few weeks. It was always there for Hanna to fall back on, the only problem being was Hanna found herself way too reliant on this skill, and it had latched onto that fact.

Hanna locked her door, finding comfort in doing so. The simple action of being able to lock her door, lock out the world made her feel safe even if it was only for a few seconds. Locking her door, reassured her that she was still in control. Hanna needed to be in control.

Hanna slowly pulled off her clothes to change for bed, she picked up a large T-shirt from her closet to wear to bed. It was the scent that hit her first, the smell of the cologne she had bought _him_ mixed with the soft scent of _his _natural smell lingered around her nose. The scent burnt every nerve ending as recognition of the smell began to make its way to the forefront of Hanna's memory.

The words 'CalTech' stood blinding Hanna's vision as memories flooded the blonde's mind.

_Hanna was never this excited, her heart was racing, Caleb would be home from California tomorrow. Just one more day and she would be back in his arms after he spent three weeks in California with his Mom and family. _

_Hanna's phone rang, a soft smile grew across her face as she saw his name appear on the screen. "Hello Caleb..."._

_"Hello Princess, just called to see what you're up to, can't wait to see you tomorrow" Caleb spoke into the phone._

_"I'm not doing much, I have to go out soon though, I have to pick up some ingredients for a...Dong Po recipe I have planned for tomorrow night" Hanna smirked into the phone, on hearing Caleb take a deep breath causing him to choke and cough slightly._

_"The things I want to do to you right now Hanna Marin after saying those words to me", Caleb returned._

_"What?...Dong Po?" Hanna knew exactly what she was doing._

_"Hello, Han you still there, hello, hello.." Caleb spoke into the phone "Hello Hanna, you're breaking up on me... I'll call you back in 5" the line went dead. It surprised Hanna had sad she got as soon as his voice was gone, even though she knew she would hear it again in a matter of a few minutes._

_The doorbell rang, interrupting Hanna's train of thought. She opened the door in annoyance, "If you're gonna sell me something I am really not that inter..." Hanna began._

_"Hello beautiful", "Caleb what the hell are you doing here! You were just... wait what?.. You're actually here?" Hanna words tripping up as they rolled from her mouth._

_"Yes princess, I'm actually here, it's not some weird dream" Caleb winked taking the blonde into his arms. "I've missed you so much" Caleb whispered into his girlfriend's ear._

_His brown eyes meet her blue eyes, before she placed a soft kiss on his lips "I've missed you so much Caleb, please don't ever leave me like that again"._

_"I promise, I love you too much Hanna, it's impossible to stay away", Caleb replied placing another kiss to her soft lips._

_"I love you too Caleb" Hanna whispered before going in for another kiss. Their soft kisses rapidly became more heated and passionate. Caleb swept his tongue across Hanna's warm lips looking for access, which the blonde immediately allowed. Hanna loved being in control, but nothing felt better than allowing herself to just follow Caleb's lead. She controlled everything else in their relationship, but he definitely made up for it, in the physical side of their relationship. _

_They continued kissing passionately, Caleb's hands ran up and down Hanna's sides and back, as her hands became tangled in his dark hair. Caleb broke the kiss, knowing they both needed some air, he started to kiss Hanna's neck moving towards her collar bone and returning to her pulse point, this gained a soft moan from Hanna making Caleb smirk. 'He knew her way too well' Caleb thought to himself, letting out a little laugh as he continued at her pulse point._

_Suddenly__ Ashley Marin walked in through the front door, to find a very embarrassed Hanna and Caleb, "I'm sorry Ms Marin, I...I..." Caleb's words failed him. "Stop Caleb, don't apologise, Mom do not say a single word", Hanna said red-faced, knowing her mother would have a smart comment to add. Hanna got her sarcasm, sense of humour and general smart-ass attitude from her mother and she knew this would be the perfect opportunity for her mother to embarrass her and Caleb even more._

_Ashley Marin just laughed at her daughter, and raised her hands in defeat, but couldn't resist annoying her daughter just a little" Hello Hanna, Yes I missed you too, I'm great, work was fine! How was your day?", Hanna rolled her eyes and spoke in monotonous tone"Ha Ha... you're so funny mom". "I'd just like to be greeted and welcomed home by my daughter, once in awhile. Instead I walk in on her tangled up in her boyfriend arms, teenage hormones flying all around the room"Ashley spoke looking at both Hanna and Caleb. Caleb was terrified to look Ashley Marin in the eyes, she liked Caleb a lot, but Caleb was still a little terrified of her and she reveled in this fact._

_"Well, I'm home now, so just hang out, no more of that, please... What ever it was" Ashley added. "Mom!, its fine we're just gonna be in the sitting room, watching a movie". Hanna added trying to get her mother to shut up._

_After they watched Inception for the tenth time Hanna started to speak "I still don't get it, that thing that spins, a dream inside a dream like what does it all even mean?"_

_"Hanna, it's such a good movie, it really makes you think. It's really not that hard to understand" Caleb added pulling Hanna closer into his chest._

_"Ok whatever, it has Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in it, they are hot and that's good enough for me. Plus Ellen Page kinda reminds me of Emily, she has that whole lesbian vibe going for her, I mean if I was gay and Ellen Page was actually gay in real life I so would" Hanna said speaking her mind about the film, in true Hanna Marin fashion._

_"Hanna really? That's what you got from that movie..." Caleb laugh placing a kiss on the blonde's head._

_"Hey, what's with the shirt, 'CalTech', you're not planning on going there are you?, I mean it's so far away.." Hanna spoke, her voice tinged with sadness. _

_"No! Hanna, my Mom bought it for me hoping I would consider it as one of my options, plus I'd be closer to 'home', but I kindly turned down her offer" Caleb started "Also, I'd never get into a place like that, well actually I could if I just hacked the system, maybe I should go there.." Caleb wondered to himself, knowing he was winding up Hanna._

_"Caleb! please don't" Hanna hit his chest, before tucking her head further into the nook beneath his chin, pulling herself closer to him as if he was going to leave at any second._

_"I promised I'd never leave you. Except for when I need to shower- but it's always fun to do that together as well" Caleb winked remember the moment Hanna jumped, fully clothed into the shower with him.__"Do some manly things instead of shopping with you the whole time -I need to keep up at least a little bit of my bad boy rep. Also when I do actually have to go see my family in Cali, it will never be longer than two weeks from now on though, I promise. Hanna you need to know my 'home' is where ever I am, as long as I'm with you" Caleb spoke softly and sincerely, Hanna looked up into his brown eyes placing a soft kiss on his lips, as she once again pulled herself tighter into his chest._

_"That shirt, I think I love it. It will forever remind me of how much you're willing to do for me Caleb Rivers, and how much you truly mean to me. I love you Caleb. Hanna said into his chest her ear placed where she could hear his heart beating. "Also next time, you leave for a while, can I keep this shirt?" Hanna asked quietly._

_"Sure, and I love you too princess" Caleb replied, leaving Hanna to fall asleep curled tightly into his arms._

Hanna immediately dropped the shirt on the floor, picking up another T-shirt. She put on the new shirt and crawled into bed, her brain muddled with racing thoughts, memories and different feelings. Her vision had blurred due to the endless stream of warm tears flowing in rivers down her cheeks. She grabbed her pillow and pulled it into her chest, why won't the pain just stop.

Her head was thumping, her heart aching and her body throbbing from sheer tiredness. Hanna hadn't slept in what felt like years. She knew deep down she needed help, but asking for help would show the world just how weak Hanna Marin truly was. Hanna fought to hard to get from Hefty Hanna to where she was today, she wasn't willing to give up that easily, she couldn't ask for help, that would mean she has giving up. Hanna wasn't ready to accept the fact that he was gone.

She couldn't talk to anyone, if she did everything would become a little too real.

In her heart, Hanna knew a way to gain control, feel better, but could she put herself through that pain. When her friends, her family, her mom found out what she was doing, she could see the hurt in their eyes. She didn't want to go down that road again, it would be the easy way out, an easy cry for help.

Hanna fought against herself in a battle not to get up, walk into her bathroom, take her toothbrush and go back to the way Alison had taught her so well.

Hanna finger nails dug into the sheets covering the bed as she urged her body to sleep, and just black out the world, it was too hard.

Hanna pulled herself up from the bed in one quick movement, she walked over to her closet and pulled out a half bottle of Jack Daniel. Hanna knew this was the better option for her. Getting drunk was easier than returning to old habits, unfortunately old habits die hard. But Hanna was still strong enough to fight them off.

She drank as much as she could in one mouthful, the tired and broken blonde found comfort in the burning sensation as the amber coloured alcohol slipped down the back of her throat.

Hanna than curled back into bed, clutching the bottle of alcohol, like a child who cuddles it teddy in order to feel safe. Hanna laughed at what her life had become, before taking another swig of whiskey. Her vision began to spin, much like the constant sensation she had inside her mind.

She picked up her phone it read 3:17, but before she knew what she was doing she found herself writing a text.

**Em, You said yu blame youuself. You're right if youu nevver got involved with Nate, mmy boyfriend would still b alivee...gooo figure... Friennd much?**

**-H xoxo**

The alcohol running through Hanna's veins made her press the send button with no regrets. She knew she would hurt Emily -possibly to the point of ruining their friendship. Hanna just wanted Emily to be as hurt as her, she knew it was cruel doing it to Emily who had been through so much already Alison, Maya and Nate. Thing is, Hanna is/was closest to Emily she could read her like a book, she knew every thought that flicked by those dark brown eyes, Emily was the easiest target and Hanna was a coward. Truth be told Hanna doesn't blame Emily for Caleb's death, hearing Emily say that she was to blame for it all earlier that night, actually made Hanna angry, she wanted to tell Emily that no, it wasn't her fault at all and that nobody thinks that, she wanted to comfort her friend, in that, what happened was yes a terribly tragedy, but it wasn't her fault. But Hanna's mind, body and heart are confused she took the selfish way out, the way out Alison Dilaurentis would have be proud of.

Hanna thought by doing all this it would help, but the darkness growing inside the blonde only killed her more. Hanna was letting the darkness win, she was sick of fighting it, Hanna only had so much more to give before the darkness would fully take over.

Hanna woke up the next morning her mouth completely dry, her head was thumping and her memory of last night's happenings still slightly hazy. With each painful ring in her head, it seemed as if they were dragging the memories of last night to the forefront of Hanna's memory.

Suddenly she remembered every word she has said, more like spat at her friends last night especially what she had said to Emily. Hanna was torn between feeling guilty, while the other half of her -the grieving, depressed and insecure side told her that her friends didn't really care about her, or Caleb. This side of her fed into her insecurity telling her that they were just looking for a quick fix, a way to get things back to _normal_. But in truth what is _normal _about life in Rosewood?

**Author's Note:** I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I wrote it a little longer as requested by a reviewer. Thanks again to all those who have already reviewed, favourited and followed, it really means a lot. Please review, and all reviews; good and bad are welcome. Thanks -Katie


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars or these Characters. I just get to borrow them and put them in horrible situations (I'm sorry).**

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Hanna picked up her phone, it read '1 new message'. Her brain was flooded with even more memories of last night, she had hoped the whiskey would make disappear forever, sadly this wasn't true. The blood drained from the blue-eyed girls face when she remembered exactly what and who she had texted last night. Hanna felt a sickening amount of acid bubble up her throat. What was making her do these things? The blonde opened the message, fully prepared to see an essay unfold in front of her eyes, she knew she would have truly hurt Emily with what she had wrote last night. Sadly this was all driven by a false courage brought on by a darkening void growing inside of her, proudly encouraged by the burning taste of Jack Daniels.

She was fully expecting to see numerous swear words jump off the page written by Emily in a flash of anger and upset, but instead it simply stated '**Sorry**'. How could she possibly make herself feel worse? Her mind had tricked into thinking that if Emily felt just as bad as she did, she would feel better about herself, she wouldn't be the only one hurting. But no, seeing that one word, _sorry _was like reliving that night where it all began, where Hanna Marin, the 'It-girl' of Rosewood High lost it all.

She knew in that moment she had lost another person. A person who she would give her own life up for. Hanna had just ruined her closest bond with one of the best people in this world in her eyes. Emily Fields was now simply out of her life, possibly forever. One simple word, '_sorry', _reassured Hanna that she had destroyed her friendship, and this time it was all her fault.

Hanna hadn't realised she had started to cry, warm droplets created a stream of sadness down her cheeks. That one word on the screen blurred as a single tear drop, rolled off her chin on to her phone in her hand. Noticing this, Hanna fired her phone towards the wall in a moment of anger. Different thoughts flashed through her mind, memories of when she could get rid of all her sadness in a matter of a few minutes.

_Do I go back down this road, _ Hanna's mind constantly bringing her back to this one thought and idea.

Before she knew it Hanna found herself in her bathroom, her hands clenched onto the rim of the cold, hard sink as her blue eyes pierced her reflection staring back at her. Every few seconds she glanced between her toothbrush and the toilet bowl. Staring in the mirror, Hanna hated what she saw. Looking at her reflection she looked passed her own physical appearance into what was now inside, it was this, that scared her the most.

In truth, appearance wasn't something Hanna every really cared about, after Hefty Hanna, Hanna used her appearance and style as a cover up, it was all merely a mask, it helped her to make people believe she lived a perfect life and nothing ever went wrong in the life of Hanna Marin. It was when she was with her closest friends; Emily, Spencer and Aria, her family and _Him _where she would be just as happy to sit around in sweats with no makeup on. It was in these moments when she felt at her happiest and true to herself, it was then when the real, funny, goofy and loving Hanna Marin would really shine through. Hanna feared if she portrayed her true self to everyone else, she would be fundamentally shot down, and inevitably return to the quite, shy and self-conscious girl, Alison Dilaurentis liked to pick on so much._  
_

Looking at her makeup free reflection which stared tortuously back at her, Hanna could see the darkened circles beneath her eyes from an endless number of sleepless nights. Rivers of red, lined her cheeks from the numerous times she found herself spontaneously crying for hours on end. The skin on her face, slightly blotchy with dry patches stood out, more than likely brought on by the amount of alcohol she had consumed over the past few weeks. All a reminder of everything that has happened since the shooting up to this very second.

Hanna's eyes flickered between the toilet and her toothbrush once again, _just do it _Hanna's mind raced as her knuckled whitened clenching the sink trying to hold herself back._  
_

Within that second, Hanna found herself grabbing her toothbrush, she looked back at her reflection, which immediately seemed to have darkened.

Suddenly Hanna's trance was broken, she dropped her toothbrush into the sink. "Hanna, are you up yet? I'll drop you to school today, but hurry up I have a meeting at nine thirty, If I don't hear you moving around in there soon, I will break down this door and pour iced water over you. Never underestimate the power of a determined mother. Hanna!.." Ashley shouted while knocking on Hanna's locked bedroom door.

"Yes, Mom! I'm up, relax will you? I'll be ready in time okay!" Hanna replied sounding somewhat annoyed, but deep inside she was thankful for the distraction.

Hanna finally encouraged herself to get ready for school, she did her makeup perfectly in true Hanna Marin fashion and put on some of her best clothes. Those closest to her knew that she was completely messed up but there was no way in hell, Rosewood's It-girl was letting anyone else see just how much her walls were crumbling on the inside. But today with a little help from Paige McCullers a lot of Rosewood high students would get the tiniest peek inside what was really going on inside of Hanna's heart and mind at this time.

Hanna stood facing into her locker, the day had only just begun and she already wanted it to be over, her eyes stung with tiredness, her back and shoulders ached with stress and her head thumped with a deep darkness inside also helped by the amount of alcohol she had consumed last night.

"Hey! Marin!...Hanna!" Hanna jumped as Paige hurdled towards the blonde.

"What the fuck is the problem with you, Emily has been non-stop crying since your little drunken message last night" Paige shouted, banging Hanna's locker to a close in the meantime.

"Pai...Paige, Just leave it, it doesn't involve you!" Hanna returned, her voice just as angered as Paige's.

"If you stopped being so fucking selfish for one fricken second, you would realise that you are not the only one affected by all this. I was tied up and a knife was held to my throat. If Emily wasn't there to save me I would be dead. Emily was also held a knife point, by a guy who had convinced her he was her dead girlfriend's cousin...It was all a lie. She killed him with her own hands in self-defense, she won't stop blaming herself for what happened that night. She hates herself, and you, supposedly her best friend, you Hanna Marin made it one hundred times worse. I'm not saying that the way you are feeling isn't okay, what happened that night was horrible. Caleb's death was horrible and truly unforgettable, but you are not the only one affected by all this..." Paige spat in Hanna's direction taking a big gasp of air, to aid her breathlessness.

"Fuck you Paige, and how dare you even mention his death, like it is just as serious as what happened to you, or Em for that matter. You are ALIVE, he is DEAD, gone FOREVER! So yeah fuck you Paige!" Hanna knew that what Paige had said made sense but she was too stubborn to give in, this was the darkness inside of her talking once again. It has become just so much easier to let this side of her take over.

"Hanna did you even hear a word I just said" Paige face reddened, she was quickly losing patience with the blonde. Paige placed both her hands on Hanna's shoulders shaking her slightly hoping that by doing so, some of what she just said might sink in to Hanna's brain.

Hanna suddenly went all defensive and quickly turned slamming Paige up against the locker. She was quickly pulled back by both Spencer and Aria, who had witnessed the whole thing along with about 50 other people. While Hanna tried to pull away from her friend's grasp she was quickly met by an angered Paige McCuller's fist which caught her right below her left eye.

"Fuck!" Hanna cried out in pain.

"That one was for Emily...You need to sort this out Hanna." Paige spoke, shaking the pain out of her hand.

"I'm sorry okay, I'll explain later...Please just let me explain, before I get put back on the edge of this group. I'll text you and explain everything Spencer, I just...I have to get to Gym now. It was for Emily." Paige apologuised to Spencer and Aria who were now ready to kill Paige. Paige went running off before she was killed on the spot, just by the looks she was getting from both Spencer and Aria.

"Hanna! Are you okay? What the hell is going on with you?" Aria pulled Hanna in front of her, making sure Hanna had no way out.

"It's nothing, just leave me alone, just leave it alone" Hanna returned towards the petite brunette. Anger had now faded to guilt which was glowing in Hanna's eyes, all because of how she hurt Emily. Hanna knew everything was her own fault.

"Hanna, it's not nothing. You won't talk to us, so I'm not going to force you too. But you do need to know we are here for you, especially with whatever is going on between you and Em, you're both two of our best friends and it kills Aria and I seeing you both like this. You will figure this out right?" Spencer tried a new approach towards Hanna, but the blonde face flashed no change in emotion towards the taller girl's words.

The guilt, darkness and pure hurt written across Hanna's face was enough to let Spencer and Aria know what was going on inside of their friends head, even if it was only for a couple of seconds.

"Stop okay! It IS nothing, please just leave it. Leave me. Why do you guys even care?" Hanna spoke back, her voice void of any emotion whatsoever.

_'Why do they care, I have done nothing at all but made them hate me. They should hate me, they should despise me as much as Emily does. They need to stop caring. I'm sure I'll eventually mess them up too, just like I mess up everything. They should hate me, everyone should hate me. I mean I already do. _Hanna was falling deeper into the darkness. Hanna Marin was quickly losing this battle.

The blonde pushed passed her friends and headed for home. She needed to get out and just leave. She couldn't face Rosewood High at this moment in time, everything was extremely suffocating and a constant shade of grey. Hanna just needed to escape.

"Han, wait..." Aria tried calling her friend back, but the look on Spencer's face told her to let her go.

"Spence? What the actual hell! We can't just keep letting Hanna walk away like that. She needs to face reality, she just got in a fight with Paige!" Aria glared up at her taller friend, who just stood there watching Hanna leave.

"Spence...Spencer, are you even listening to me?" Aria nudged her friend, trying to get Spencer attention who eyes remained fixed on Rosewood High's entrance, the door where Hanna just left.

"Aria, I think this is so much worse than we ever originally thought. That girl, just there, that wasn't Hanna. That's a broken, empty shell that just looks like one of our best friends. I know there is still parts of her in there, we just need to find them and help them break through. We've tried getting her to talk and we've failed, badly. Look at where all this has gotten Hanna and Emily. From what I've overheard, from Hanna's fight with Paige, Em and Han's friendship is broken, severely damaged. The worst part is I think Hanna is to blame, she broke Emily knowing it was the easiest way of hurting herself in return. Aria, this is bad. Really bad." Spencer spoke softly in the direction of her petite friend. The taller girls eyes now flickered as her mind tried to figure out a solution.

Aria placed her hand on Spencer forearm, pulling the taller girl from her trance. "It's okay Spence, we'll go talk to Em and we'll figure this out. We can't and we won't let this break us. We can and we will get Hanna back." Aria responded her voice firm as she realised the full extent of the whirlwind of problems they just found themselves in.

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**Author's Note: **It's after midnight so it's technically Friday so I decided to post the chapter**. **Firstly, this chapter was extremely hard to write, I hope I am portraying Hanna's state of mind and eating disorder correctly and respectively. I am fortunate enough to have never experienced severe depression or an eating disorder in my lifetime, but I have friends who have so I'm using that perspective to write Hanna's story and I want to remain as true to real life as possible. Any comments on this please feel free to review or PM me. Secondly, thanks for reading, reviewing and following this story. Please review this chapter, all comments and criticism is welcome. Until next friday, thanks again -Katie


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Still not the owner of PLL or these characters.**

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After school Spencer and Aria made there way over to the Fields' house, to talk with Emily, and at least try and get a greater understanding of the situation going on between her and Hanna.

Aria tried ringing the doorbell, but they was no answer.

"Maybe she's not in, did you text her today?" Aria said looking up at her taller friend.

"Yeah, I sent her a few messages earlier, and tried to ring her but it just went to voicemail. Should we just go in anyway?" Spencer directed at Aria while turning to look at the flower pot placed strategically beside the front door.

Aria immediately sought out the Fields spare key hidden beneath the pot.

"Em...Emily, are you here? It's Spence and Aria!" Aria called through out the house.

"Here..." The two girls heard someone call out from upstairs.

Within a few seconds both Aria and Spencer were outside Emily's bedroom, hoping things wouldn't be as bad as the image already wandering around their heads.

When the two girls walked in they saw Emily curled up in her blankets facing the other side of the room, the curtain hadn't been pulled and on her bedside table lay some fruit, chocolate, a half empty bottle of water, beside it lay a note:

**Make sure to** **eat something or at least drink something Em. I'll see you after swim practice this evening, I'll tell coach you're sick and you'll be back in school tomorrow, because YOU WILL be back in school tomorrow if I have to drag you myself. (I could alway ring your Mother in Texas Or I could just get Spencer to talk to you, I know how much you enjoy her lectures ;P ). Love you -P Xx**

**P.S. Sorry in advance, if I just happen to punch Hanna in the face if I meet her around school today... I'm not as forgiving as you. **

Spencer quickly read the message, before sitting on the edge of the bed beside Emily, who hadn't moved, said a word or even pull the blankets off her face when her friends entered. Aria made her way over to open the curtains letting light into the room.

"Hey Em, what's going on? We know something happened between Hanna and you, we're here to listen, if you want to talk about it?"

"Ughhh, I'm not going back down this road" Emily groaned, forcing herself to look at her friends. The tanned girl pulled the covers off her faces, squinting her eyes as they adjusted to the brilliant light shining in through the windows.

"I already had a fight with Paige this morning, so please just hear me out before; Spencer you start going into full Hasting's lecturing mode and Aria please try to stop your eyes widening to the point where they take up half your face with worry. So just listen to me please and hold back on full-force Team Sparia mode until I'm finished okay?" Emily spoke her voice was low still unsure of where to start but she got her point across.

"Firstly, I promised myself I wouldn't go back down this road, back to where I was when Maya died. It's for that reason only, as selfish as it may be I'm telling you what is going on inside my head. I have too many good things going for me at the moment; you guys, swimming and Paige...Although I may have to re-consider that one, once I hear the full story of what went down in school today. I'm already after receiving five messages apologising for what happened even though I still don't have a clue..." Emily rambled on, still trying her best to casually avoid talking about what she was really thinking and feeling, the real reason why she couldn't pull herself from bed this morning to face the world.

"Okay Em, that's great, but you're not really telling us anything. We'll fill you in once we've heard what you have to say. I also promise to keep my eyes average human sized especially for you okay!" Aria smirked trying to lighten the mood, and keep everyone at ease.

"Ughh, why do my friends know me too well" Emily groaned , as she retreated back under the covers eventually she pushed her phone in the direction of her friends, she had to start somewhere, and Hanna's text was a good place to start.

"I know Hanna isn't very good with spelling and words in general Em, but she wrote this message when she was drunk. Emily, you know she didn't mean it, and from what we saw today..."

Emily cut across Spencer, reappearing from under the cover to face her friends. "Exactly, Hanna wrote this when she was drunk, as in drunk where you are much more likely to say what you are truly feeling...'A drunk mind speaks sober thoughts' etc." Emily spoke, defeat lingering on her words.

"Hanna blames me for Caleb's death and she's right. If I had never fallen for Nate's act, Caleb would have never been killed..." Tears started to run down Emily's tanned cheeks, as the pain began to sink in, saying this out loud pained her so much more.

"Em..." Aria tried to speak.

"No wait please , I need to get it all out. I can't return to that mess I was, it's not fair. It's Hanna's time to grieve, and not be okay she needs you guys there so I can't be a depressed mess, It's not fair to her. I need to talk about this, as painful as it is." Emily interrupted and continued talking, now that she had started she was determined to finish. It was like a band-aid that needed to be ripped off.

"I sometimes imagine other scenarios from that night. I think about where we would all be if I just let Nate kill Paige, it would be me that would have to deal with the consequences, it would be me in pain. Although in that scenario Paige would be dead, she doesn't deserve to die because of me, then I think about how much pain it would actually cause me, I don't think I could take that, especially after Ali and Maya. Then I think about, if I only fought that little bit harder and stabbed Nate more than once, he would have been dead by the time he hit the floor and wouldn't of been able to shoot Caleb. I would probably be in jail, as my killing of Nate wouldn't be seen as self-defense thanks to more than one stab wound. I would probably go to jail for aggravated murder, but yet in that situation it's me...It's me who is facing the full consequences of that night. I would be paying the full price for opening up to Nate like I did. Then finally I think about... where we would all be now... if I had just let Nate kill... me..." Emily was breathlessly weeping after finally speaking her thoughts, everything she kept wrapped up inside from that night was now out in the open.

"So it is my fault! It's all my fault, if you just think about it, every solution and problem regarding that night have one thing in common and that's me... Emily Fields" Emily voice broke as she spoke.

"So I guess even just lying here in bed like this is selfish, everything I just told you both is selfish. I couldn't face school today, because I couldn't face Hanna. I don't think I'll ever be able to be around her again, knowing she blames me for Caleb's death. Blaming myself is one thing but knowing Hanna thinks that about me turns my world upside down. I feel so sick just thinking about it. I know she thinks I hate her and maybe it's a cop out for me, but if it saves Hanna from having a constant reminder of that night in me, I'm happy to stay out of her life. It's gonna kill me but I don't think Hanna and I can be friends again.

"I'm happy to sacrifice my friendship with Hanna, if it means that she starts to feel good about herself again, if she laughs again, if she starts tormenting you again Spencer." Emily let out a little laugh through her tears thinking about the number of times Hanna and Spencer would fight over the littlest of things. They acted like siblings but as soon as her or Aria interrupted them to make them stop they would both instantly become a team and turn against her and Aria. As that memory began to vanish, it brought Emily's smile with it as she broke down in tears once again. Spencer quickly wrapped her friend into her own arms pulling her tighter. Listening to Emily speak, Aria and Spencer had to hold back the tears in there eyes, just hearing the lengths that Emily would go to protect Hanna, broke there hearts.

After a few moments Spencer decided to speak "Em, whether you choose to listen or not, Aria and I don't believe you are to blame for anything that happened that night. I honestly don't think Hanna does either, and I know it's gonna be hard for you to accept that. You have yourself convinced otherwise, so I'm not gonna force you to believe it. Just promise me you'll reconsider your thoughts? Please?" Spencer rubbed small circles into the tanned girl's back trying to ease her sobs.

"Em, Hanna is in a really bad place right now. If you had of been at school today you would have seen that. Hanna isn't the Hanna we all know and love, she's an empty shell. But you know how stubborn she is, so we can't just force her to talk, we've all seen just how well that went the first time round. She needs space. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that, Spencer and I are worried that by giving her space, she'll just become more self destructive. I think by us given her space has lead to her trying to destroy her friendship with you. We're stuck, we dunno what to do Em, so we can't have you also thinking like this. That text you received wasn't Hanna, it was the darkness inside of her talking. It's like Spencer said, it's going to be hard for you to convince yourself otherwise, but you are not to be blamed for that night. It was that bastard's fault, Em he manipulated you, using Maya death, there was no way you couldn't have been sucked into his games. Nothing could have changed the way that night ended, like you said in every other scenario something goes wrong, every scenario is deathly." Aria spoke definitely as she placed her hand on Emily shin.

"Emily, you also need to know if anything would have happened to your or Paige that night everyone would be in the same position. If Paige was killed, we would have lost you, we all know you couldn't have survived that, like you said yourself. For us to go through that again with you would've tore us apart. I can't even bare to imagine the other two scenarios you have drawn up in your mind. Emily, if you had died that night, a little piece in us all would've died, losing Ali was one thing. But with Ali, we never shared the bond the four of us have today. If you had died that night it would have affected Hanna, just as much as Caleb's death is. You two share this weird bond that baffles Aria and I half the time because we have no idea what you guys are planing, talking about or even just laughing about. You two share a bond that is impossible to explain in words..." Spencer said with sincerity, meaning every word.

"But all that said and done, you guys have nothing on Sparia" Spencer added, nonchalantly. trying to lighten the atmosphere in the room, she even gained a little laugh from Emily, along with a slight nudge to her shoulder. This reassured Spencer, that Emily was still defensive over her friendship with Hanna. Emily was still willing to fight to protect it.

"I don't know if I'm ever gonna get past the point of blaming myself, but I promise, for you both and Hanna I will try. But I need both of you to focus on Hanna right now, I don't think my presence will help. The next time you see her, just act like there is nothing wrong, you know she hates all this over-protecting her stuff. Having lost Maya, I know the worst thing anyone can tell you is 'It's gonna be okay' or 'time heals all wounds', because as true as both these statements may be, the idea of being okay after losing someone so close to you feels horrible, selfish and most of all terrifying. I'm almost afraid to ask, but do you know if she has started..."Emily voice broke once again, just thinking about it "Has she started purging again?". Emily was afraid to look up into her friends eyes knowing she would find the answers there.

"Em, truthfully we don't know. Today was the first day Hanna actually spoke a words to either or us in weeks. I think your advice is right, we need to act like there is nothing bad going on, if we go over to her house it will be just to hang-out and not another intervention. It's the only way of pulling life back into the empty and darkened shell we saw at school today." Aria whispered, but she was now fully determined to fix all this. Emily's plan seemed pretty solid.

All three girls heard someone come into the house and within a few seconds there was a knock on the door. "Hey Em, I'm so so so sorry, please don't hate me I can explain everything. I brought you your favorite coffee from the Rosewood Grille along with some blueberry muffins, there your favourite right?" Paige spoke as she stumbled in around the corner trying not to spill the coffee or drop the muffins.

All three girls jaws dropped when they saw Paige's face. "What the hell happened to you, it was you who hit Hanna not the other way around?" Spencer asked trying to hold back her laughter.

"yeah nice shiner Paige, did Hanna hunt you down after school or something" Aria giggled to herself.

"No, I was distracted in gym after my fight with Hanna, I felt so bad for what I had done, I mean I shouldn't have hit her. It wouldn't of be so back if she didn't turn around so quickly. But anyway I was distracted in my own little word and next thing I knew I was lying on my back, and pain soared through my entire face. I got hit in the face with a miss hit ball from a game of rounders, it hit me directly on my nose, hence the black eye, and blood stained shirt. Coach said it's not broken, but I'm to suspect my nose will swell up a bit more, she said I was lucky though only one of my eyes has turned black" Paige said somewhat embarrassed as she pulled off her jacket to show off her blood stained Rosewood sharks T-shirt.

"Guess karma's a bitch!" Emily spoke finally understanding what happened at school today, she tried to sound annoyed but she couldn't help but laugh at her girlfriend. "I can't believe you hit Hanna though, I'm still annoyed about that, but seeing you in that much pain and you bringing me my favourite coffee and blueberry muffins is making that a lot harder to do" Emily glanced at Paige.

"I'm sorry Em, I really am. I tried to apologuise to Hanna just now, I ran into her just after I left the Grille. She just completely dismissed me and walked straight by me. I think she was drunk and she was dressed up a little much for just walking around town. She must have been heading to the bar, I should have stopped her, why am I so stupid sometimes, why is this only clicking in now." Paige said annoyed with herself.

"Should we go find her?" Aria said, worry creeping in on her tone.

"No, she needs to realise she can't do this by herself. Aria, you and Spencer call over to her house first thing tomorrow morning and just act like you want to hang out. I promise nothing will happen to Hanna tonight, I have a plan, just trust me okay?". Emily spoke definitely, something inside of her told her this plan would work, although that didn't stop the uneasy feeling inside of her telling her things may have to get worse before they could get better. Emily took out her phone and with the click of a button her plan would be in action.

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**Author's Note: Thanks again for all your reviews, follows and favourites, they keep me inspire to write this story. I do read every single review I get and learn from them. Please continue to review this fic, good and bad comments are all welcome. I needed this chapter to create an understanding of where Emily, Spencer and Aria stood on what's going on with Hanna, and that's why it's so long. I hope I'm continuing to stay true to everything Hanna and her friends are dealing with as well as staying true to their characters. Thanks again -Katie**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **Happy Friday, here is the weekly update, I hope you enjoy it. Please review if you can, thanks._  
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**Disclaimer:** I own nothing

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_Was that Paige?… Never mind, I got this far I not gonna stop now, I need to just leave everything for a little while, and since Mom has the car, I guess the furthest I can go is to Rosewood's local bar. I mean nobody I know will be there, just some drunks, tourists and maybe a few college students, after all it's not really considered Rosewood's hotspot, anyone who lives in this town knows to go into Philly for a decent night out, but in truth I'm not really looking for a decent night out I just want to be somewhere where no one knows or feels sorry for me. Moment of truth, it's time to slip on your acting shoes Hanna._

"Good evening miss, may I see some ID", the tall, grey-haired man asked as she approached the bar entrance.

"Yeah sure, one second let me just find it in here.." Hanna spoke politely, as she hit the self-ringing button on her phone.

"Sorry, one second Sir…" Hanna apologised as she pulled out her phone and began talking into the fake phone call.

Hanna began rummaging through her purse once again, she eventually found her ID and handed to the man as she continued having the fake conversation, "Hey Babe, yeah I'm just outside, my youthful looks are getting me questioned for ID once again… You're sitting over by the dart board in our usual spot yeah?" Hanna spoke confidently, as she threw in a few smiles in the direction of the bouncer.

His eyes flickered between Hanna and her ID, stepping to the side his forehead remained creased as he still questioned his decision to let her in, "here you go Miss, enjoy your night" He finally added.

In truth Hanna really didn't like this place, the lighting was dull, it's laden with sleaze and the smell of stale beer turned her stomach slightly.

_Good job Han, another reason to thank Ali. I definitely deserve an Oscar for that performance. _Hanna thought to herself, as she looked around the room looking for a quiet corner to sit down in, and just enjoy a moment of escape.

The thought of drinking more alcohol made her feel sick but she needed to keep up appearances. When she left school, she was so angry, upset and annoyed that she finished off the rest of the whiskey she had in her room, it was only two large mouthfuls, but it still eased her pain, and made her forget some of her thoughts. But now she had sobered somewhat and the remains of the whiskey in her system just made her feel queasy, and brought on a slight headache, making her want to avoid any more alcohol for the night.

"What, can I get ya Blondie?" The barman asked, adding a wink which just sent shivers up Hanna back.

"I'll just have a vodka soda, thanks" she added nonchalantly and handed him over the money.

Hanna made her way over to a corner just by the pool tables where it was quite for once, there was an older couple sitting opposite her, but they weren't too bothered by her.

Hanna sat back in her seat, while taking a sip of her drink. She enjoyed watching the other people in the bar, listening to the jazz music playing in the background and eyeing the random pictures and souvenirs which decorated the brown coloured walls.

Hanna's eyes fell on one particular picture which caught her attention; it was a wooden cabin on a lake. It looked a lot like the Hasting's Lake house which the girls used quite a bit, when they wanted to get away from Rosewood. It was also the place where she and Caleb had spent many nights together, usually without Spencer's permission. Hanna laughed a little to herself remembering Spencer's rant when she found out that Caleb and she had made many memories on the couch in the living room, something to do with her grandmother. She couldn't fully remember there is only so long you can listen to one of Spencer's rants before zoning out completely.

Hanna thought back to the disaster of a night, that was Caleb's birthday.

"_Hanna, what the hell is going on" Caleb spoke as he looked down at a soaked Hanna wrapped in Spencer's arms._

_Hanna just looked up at him, she was in shock, and she couldn't speak. So many things were running through her head, Lucas? Did she just ruin Caleb's birthday party? Did she just kill Lucas? What just happened?_

_Spencer stood up and pulled Hanna up with her, she walked over to Caleb where Hanna just fell into his arms._

_As soon as he pulled her closer, Hanna broke down in tears as the full realisation of what just happened really hit home._

"_I'm so sorry! Caleb I'm so sorry… I just ruined your birthday party" the blonde spoke her voice shaken due to her shivering body._

"_Hanna, don't be sorry… you didn't ruin anything. I'm just glad you're okay. I heard Emily shouting out for me and saying something about you being in the lake, so I got here as quick as possible." Caleb spoke pulling the blonde closer into his chest, as he tried to get her warm._

"_No, Caleb, I wanted you to have the best birthday yet… You deserve to have an amazing day" Hanna spoke, her blue eyes meeting his brown eyes._

"_Princess, I'm here with you… I think that wins best birthday ever. Hanna I have you, that all that matters. Every other birthday I've ever had was usually celebrated at a bus station, or alone. Nobody ever cared enough to care about my birthday. But you did, and that means so much more to me, than I think that little brain inside your pretty little head will ever comprehend. The people here, the food and decoration are all just a bonus. Hanna it would have been impossible for you to ruin this night for me, I love you". Caleb spoke gently and sincerely, as his eyes remained on hers, tear stained orbs. _

_Their lips met, in a gentle but sincere kiss, "I love you too, Caleb"._

"_Come on, let's get you inside and warm you up a bit, plus you smell a little too much like stale lake water, for my liking" Caleb said, his trademark smirk spread across his face._

"_Hey! I don't smell that bad" Hanna returned, trying to look annoyed but her smile won over instead._

"_Hey, remind me to have a word with Emily, she is like the school's best swimmer and she ran away from a lake, where you could have been drowning, to look for help. That makes so much sense". Caleb added, as he took Hanna's hand leading her back inside to the lake house to re-join her friends._

"_Hey now, you leave my Emily alone! She can't think straight when she panics, actually I don't think she ever thinks straight…It's a gay thing" Hanna said making Caleb laughed with her true Hanna Marin logic._

"_Yep, I sure that's exactly it Han." Caleb returned._

"_Plus, she was around longer than you. Ever heard of the saying 'Bros before Hoes'? Hanna added._

"_I think you mean 'Sisters before Misters', Princess? Caleb laughed._

"_No, I mean 'Bros before Hoes'. Emily's my Bro and you're my hoe…simple as that". Hanna spoke as serious as possible._

"_Hanna Marin, what did I do to deserve a girlfriend like you?" Caleb said, slightly nudging the blondes shoulder._

"_Come on, your friends are waiting inside, and I cannot wait to start into that cake I saw on my way in". Caleb added, leading Hanna into the house._

Hanna got distracted by the growing crowd now inside the bar. '_When did that happen' _Hanna thought to herself, she just then noticed that she was crying. _Again._

'_Great, I definitely look like the crazy unstable drunk in the corner now, way to be subtle Han' _her mind teased.

Hanna was minding her own business, when a guy came over to join her.

"Hi, I'm Kyle, I play football with Hollis and was wondering, what is a pretty girl like you doing, sitting here all alone with an empty drink in front of her. The tall, blonde and quite good-looking footballer asked Hanna.

"Nothing, just having a quite night thanks" Hanna answered sheepishly, not wanting to encourage him to talk for much longer.

"How about doing a shot with me? I'll buy" Kyle asked Hanna.

"Four shots of tequila please sir." He asked the barman, before giving Hanna the opportunity to speak.

He placed two shot's in front of Hanna and two in front of himself. "You ready?" he asked in Hanna's direction.

"Do I have a choice..." Hanna mumbled under her breath, '_It's free, and it might make this guy leave' _Hanna thought to herself.

The two shots slipped down quite easily, she was getting too good at this and deep inside, that fact truly scared Hanna.

The alcohol of the two shots really began to hit her though, within minutes the walls around her were spinning. Kyle continued talking to her, mostly about himself and how he scored this season's best touchdown. Hanna just found herself nodding, throwing in a few sentences here and there and mostly trying her best not to laugh.

'_Is he really trying to hit on me, I mean if he knew what was really going on behind all this, he would run in the opposite direction.' _Hanna's mind never stopped giving her a hard time, since that day.

"So tell me a bit about you? What are you studying at Hollis" Kyle directed at Hanna.

"Ummm…" Hanna turned to look at him, but before she knew it his hands found her face and he pulled her into a kiss, before she realised what she was doing, Hanna pushed him off of her.

"Woah, I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself you're just so beautiful, another drink?" The footballer said, and ordered two more shots for the table.

When the tequila arrived, Hanna quickly took the glass and knocked it back, trying her best to block out what just happened. '_Fuck! I should not have done that' _Hanna thought as the alcohol immediately hit, making it hard for her to stand up.

"I'm like really tired sooo I should probably like go home oor something" Hanna slurred as she tried to get up from the table.

"I'll help you, okay" Kyle pulled Hanna up beside him and wrapped his jacket and arm around her waist.

Hanna found comfort in his hold, he held her tight enough for her to feel protected, it reminded her of the way _He _would hold her, and she always felt safe when she was in _His _arms.

Hanna couldn't fight the tiredness any longer, she tucked her head into the footballers chest and closed her eyes just wanting to sleep. When he noticed Hanna had her eyes closed, he looked to his jock friends, pointed at Hanna, and sent a smile and thumbs up in the direction of his friends letting them know his intentions. "Nice!" one of his friends came over and high-fived him.

Within a millisecond, Hanna found herself flying towards the floor, she hit her knee off the table as she fell down, secretly thankful for the amount of alcohol she had consumed because she felt no pain whatsoever. When she opened her eyes she saw Kyle lying flat-out on the floor at her feet. Within the next second Hanna found herself being picked up and before she knew she was outside sitting on a park bench, with another man handing her glass, thankfully this time it was only a pint of water. When her eyes eventually focused she recognised the face staring back at her.

It was Jason DiLaurentis.

"I'm sorry, when I punched that idiot I didn't mean for you to fall down as well, are you okay?" Jason asked looking at a very confused Hanna, sitting in front of him.

"I'm fine, what happened? Why are you here?" Hanna said bemused, luckily the water and fresh air had helped to sober her up a bit, and now she could hold a coherent conversation. Although her mind was still racing and her vision still blurred a little.

"That guy was going to bring you home Hanna, but not back to your own house if you know what I mean. If it was Spencer or Alison in that position I would've wanted someone to step in". Jason spoke slowly.

Hanna was trying to make sense of everything that just happened in her brain, but snapped out of it when she noticed a cyclist, cycling by. She found comfort in watching them for a moment, they would disappear into the darkness and then reappear when they met another street light, when they cycled under the street light all the reflectors on the bike would glow making it look even more intriguing. She looked back at Jason who was waiting for her to speak.

"But Jason, I'm not Spencer or Ali so why do you care?" Hanna asked her voiced immediately saddened as she spoke.

"I know you not Spencer or Alison, but like I said if they found themselves in the position you currently find yourself in, I would want someone to stand in and do something about it. Hanna, I know we don't really know each other or get along for that matter, but not so long ago I was in a similar position myself. But I had no one, my parents were grieving the loss of Ali, and none of my friends really knew what was going on in my life. So I turned to the one thing that was always there for me, the one thing that could ease the pain, and the one thing that stopped my world from crumbling to the ground. That was alcohol and drugs which eventually just helped to destroy my life even further in the long run. I don't want to see you go down that road, I know that too many people care about you, especially your friends. You four have been through so much, Ali's death, being accused by police, Maya's death, Mona and... that night. These are all things that should have torn your friendship apart instead it just made you all stronger. You will get through this." Jason spoke, his voice laced with sincerity.

"I think it's already gone too far. I already messed up my friendship with Emily, it's seems my friendship with Aria and Spencer it barely holding on and my Mom will barely look at me, she's afraid that she'll upset me, or I'll just turn against her as well, so she just avoids the subject." Hanna spoke tears threatened to fall once again.

"Hanna, firstly if Spencer is able to put up with our family crap she can deal with yours too, I'm pretty sure about Aria as well. Emily will come around, you guys are just in a bad place at the moment, I dunno what the story is there, but I'm sure she stills cares about you a lot. I don't know Emily that well, but she doesn't seem like the type to just give up on a friendship like that. The Mom situation, that up to you, you will have to talk to her, if she's too afraid to talk to you Hanna." Jason returned trying to ease the blonde's doubts.

This was the first moment when Hanna felt like things were finally making sense.

"Thanks Jason" Hanna added, as an urge in her body made her move forward to place a kiss on his lips.

Jason immediately stood up, "I'm sorry Hanna, but…ummm, come on I'll drive you home".

'_FUCK,FUCK,FUCK… good job Hanna you messed that one up too. What was I thinking? Why did I just try to kiss Jason? I can't believe I did this to…' _Hanna couldn't bring herself to think about _Him_ as guilt immediately swallowed her up.

Something inside Hanna clicked, she ruined everything. She felt sick, as the acid in her stomach churned, she was disgusted with herself. He actually cared enough to help her and Hanna had to go and mess it all up. Everyone who ever cared enough about her, she always messed it up. Any good thing she ever had in her life seemed as if it turned out wrong. Just recently she messed things up with Emily, Spencer, Aria, her Mom, Jason and _Him_.

Hanna began doubting herself, was she the problem all along? Was she the reason for; Her parents separation? Mona? –A? Her strained friendships? _His _death? The darkness within Hanna took this opportunity to completely overwhelm her, any pain, sadnees or doubt she felt, numbed…

Hanna Marin now felt nothing.

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**Author's Notes:** Thanks for reading, please review. Thoughts on Jason, Kyle or the flashback scene? Thoughts on Hanna? I hope I'm staying true to the characters and to real-life as much as possible within this fic. I hope I'm still portraying what Hanna is dealing with in the right way, if you have any views on this feel free to review or PM me. Thanks again -Katie


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything.

**Warning: **Hanna's eating disorder will be dealt with in this chapter, so please read at your own discretion. Thanks.

Hanna was awoken by the brilliant sunlight, forcing its way into her room. She groaned at herself, annoyed for not closing her curtains when she got home last night. Her head thumped in rhythm to her heart beat, a feeling she was all too familiar with.

Her whole body creaked as she pushed herself up out of bed, to pull the curtains. There was no way in hell she was dealing with the world just yet. Looking at her alarm clock it was 7:30, she still had a few hours before her Mother would expect her up.

As the blonde made her way over the window, her whole body ached, the pain in her head intensified but the worse pain came from her right knee. "Fuck" she screeched out in pain as she put pressure on it as she climbed back into her bed.

Examining her knee, her mind was instantly flooded with the memories of last night. Kyle, Jason, the kiss, she remembered the majority of what happened but she felt nothing in response, it was just another night where she found another way to completely fuck up her life, and the lives of people who seemed to actually care about her in some way.

Hanna looked at her knee again, it had turned to a deep blue, purplish colour surrounded by a green tint. Hanna pressed her fingers into the centre of the bruise, gently at first, which sent a sharp wave of pain down her leg, she found herself pressing her finger harder, causing herself to experience more pain. In a sad way, Hanna enjoyed the pain, it was a feeling, it reminded her she was alive, and in that she found comfort but also hated it as the same time. It reminder that she _was alive_, when _he _had to go and get killed, all she every did was mess up lately, she deserved to be the one who was dead.

When her body began to adjust to the pain she was inflicting on herself, Hanna fell back onto her pillow and just stared at the ceiling, she was tired but she couldn't sleep, she wanted to cry but her body wouldn't allow her to do so, she wanted to feel again but she had giving to much of herself to the darkness. As she stared at the white ceiling, her mind and thoughts remained empty, that was until she was disturbed by the gargling noise her stomach made. Ultimately pulling up more painful memories from last night.

Hanna's mind immediately flashed images of her binging on leftover pizza and ice cream last night, as she tried to sober herself up but she also found comfort in doing so, just like she had done so many years ago. Food helped her get through her parent's divorce and Alison's constant scrutiny, so maybe it would help in this situation too, the blonde remembered her thoughts from last nigh where she tried to convince herself that the binging she was doing was okay.

But now the situation brought her back to one she found herself so often in, not so many years ago. Hanna felt sick, as she looked down at her stomach. The idea of walking over to the bathroom and making herself feel that little bit better, to be that little bit more in control was becoming more and more appealing.

Without noticing, Hanna's hand cramped up, looking down at her hands she saw her fingers had clawed their way into the mattress below her, as she tried so desperately for the feeling to pass, but it was becoming overwhelming, she needed to gain back control over her life and this seemed like her only option.

Hanna walked into her bathroom, the air was cool, and the floor tiles felt like ice beneath her feet. She stared at the unknown figure staring back at her in the mirror.

'Who is this person I have become?' Hanna's mind questioned, unfortunately like many of the questions she found herself asking lately, she remained answer-less once again. It seemed like a metaphor for her life in general, her life at the moment was definitely questionably, but she couldn't find the answers, nobody could find the answers.

_Just another failure, to add to all the other failures in my life. Hanna Marin, you are one big failure. _ She couldn't help but laugh at herself, as the darkness inside of her continued to taunt her every move, thought and feeling.

Hanna met the darken eyes staring back at her once again, she took pity on the reflection in front of her. Her hair was a mess, her eyes sunk into their sockets, spots formed on her chin and an nice layer of grease covered her once near flawless face.

_Ha if only everyone knew, Rosewood's it-girl on her way to becoming a crumbling mess. NO! I'm already there… Hanna Marin was an already worthless, crumbled mess. _ Her thoughts ripping her a part from the inside, out.

Hanna, took one last look in the mirror and grabbed her toothbrush. There was no holding back this time.

Hanna stared into toilet in front of her, the reflection staring back at her just seemed to encourage her further.

The Blonde took a deep breath before forcing the toothbrush into her mouth. Within an instant an all too familiar feeling returned, Hanna stomach clenched tightly, her throat stung and her eyes watered as she emptied her stomach. Something she had promised herself, her friends and family that she would never return too, but it was too late for promises now.

As her stomach began to settle, Hanna's began to feel slightly dizzy but she knew the feeling would eventually pass… it always did. In a sad way Hanna felt good about what she just did, she took back some control into her life, everything was rapidly crumbling before her eyes but she could control this, something no one else could. It was all on her.

Hanna threw her toothbrush back into the sink, as she took a few deep breaths trying to ease the burning sensation in the back of her throat, this like the dizziness would also eventually pass. Although the blonde-haired girl also found comfort in the fact, that knowing if she keeps this up she will eventually become susceptible to the stinging sensation, back to the very place she found herself so many years ago, back to the place where she didn't think twice about picking up her toothbrush and emptying her stomach.

Hanna eventually found the strength within her once again, so she pulled herself up to flush away the memories of what she just did. But what she wasn't expected was to see two pairs of brown eyes staring back at her when she turned around to walk out of her bathroom.

_FUCK! Think, think, Hanna think of something._

Hanna pushed past her two friends and made her way back to bed as if they weren't even there. As she walked past them, both Spencer and Aria remained still, staring into the bathroom, hoping the images they conjured up in their minds wouldn't be true.

"Hanna? What just happened, what did we just walk in on?" Spencer asked trying her best not to let her emotions speak for her.

"Okay first how the hell did you get into my house?" Hanna asked trying to give herself time, as her brain worked faster than ever before, trying to conjure up some kind of believable excuse.

"Your Mom, she said she heard you walking around up here, so it would be okay for us to head up… We did knock! But Hanna, what's going on, you're not…" Aria asked her brain trying to process what was going on.

"No come on, I made a promise… I just drank a little more than I should have last night and I guess my stomach wasn't feeling very well thanks to my actions last night" Hanna spoke her voice void of any emotion.

_Ohh good one, another Oscar worthy performance by Hanna Marin… It's just another lie, no big deal right?_ Hanna thought to herself.

"Okay, if that's what you say we believe you Han, so any plans for the weekend?" Spencer asked not wanting to push further, remembering Emily's words of advice.

_Fuck… You better not screw this one up Hanna…But I'm sure I eventually will… like always! Why are Spencer and Aria giving me the time of day, I don't deserve it, I don't deserve anything… But I can't afford to lose them as well._

"Nope… You guys?" Hanna asked not really caring, but she needed to let them in a little, so that they wouldn't give up on her as well. She had too, if she keeps them shut out for too long she'll have lost them too, and they'll become suspicious of what she was _really_ doing in the bathroom.

"No… I have a study date with Em… later" Aria spoke, immediately cringing as she brought up the subject of Emily.

"Emily… how is…she" Hanna asked genuinely concerned, but her tone of voice didn't reveal this fact to Aria or Spencer.

"She's… okay… Well maybe not okay Han! I know it's not the right time, but when you're done dealing with everything else going on… you need to talk to her, she blames herself for everything… I know you didn't mean what you said in that text but she won't believe it" Spencer said, speaking quickly trying to get everything out at once.

"Maybe I did mean what I said…" Hanna spoke definitively, but internally scowled at herself as she knew it wasn't the truth. The truth was Emily didn't deserve a friend like her, this was just the easiest way of dealing with this fact.

"Plus it's too late, It's already gone too far…" Hanna whispered to herself, the words she spoke inaudible to both Spencer and Aria.

"Han… you don't think that" her petite _friend _responded softly.

_Change the subject, please just change the subject._

It wasn't that it was a painful subject to Hanna, it just seemed to add to the pile of reasons why she now found herself in a endless pit of darkening numbness. This was a subject that should hurt to talk about, instead Hanna felt nothing. She had felt alive when emptying her stomach earlier, but that sensation along with the dizziness and burning throat quickly disappeared. In all the pain she has ever suffered mentally, emotionally or physically, being numb and not feeling anything at all was the worst of all.

"I kissed Jason…" Hanna returned bluntly.

"What?! Why?! How?!" Spencer asked confused.

"I got drunk, he helped me, we talked, it felt nice, I kissed him, or I tried to kiss him but he blew me off, and here I am now" Hanna listed off the nights events as if she was listing off a grocery list.

"Hanna… but you're still not over…" Spencer added still slightly confused by the way her best friend was acting.

"You guys aren't here to talk about the weekend right, let's be _truthful_ here! So I'm telling you both, what happened last night, it was my fault, I was drunk, I shouldn't have done anything… It was another mistake". Hanna voice still lacked any feeling or emotion as she stared blankly at her curtains in front of her, which so easily blocked out the outside world.

_Everything I do is a mistake._

Both Spencer and Aria glanced at one and other, the same thought running through their heads; how did the broken, empty girl they saw in school on Friday manage to become even more darkened, emotionless and empty over one night. There were no signs of the Hanna they both knew and loved behind those blackened eyes, eyes that had giving up the fight.

Spencer and Aria didn't say a word, they just moved closer to the blonde. Spencer placed her hand on her friend's shoulder as Aria did the same on the blonde's calf, gaining a flinch from Hanna at first but she didn't push them off. This was the only way they knew to comfort her, unfortunately it was having an opposite effect on the blonde, she just didn't fight them off because she was too scared she'd lose them too.

_I can feel their warm hands trying to sooth me, but it doesn't come close to easing the never-ending numbness, buzzing around inside me. All they want to do is help me, and I pay them back by lying to their faces. They don't deserve someone like me in their lives… or more like I don't deserve people as good as them in mine. It would be so easy to tell them everything right here and now, but why should I force my problem unto them… they are all my problems,no one else's, I should be the only one to suffer the consequences. They shouldn't care, I shouldn't care… But the thought of them not being here, scares me to my core. Fuck! Hanna, who is this person you've become? I just want to feel again… Happy, sad, lonely, scared… Pain… Instead there is nothing. Just numbness._

After about half an hour of sitting in silence, broke only by a few glances Spencer and Aria shared, they decided to move. Hanna didn't move once over the thirty minutes and her eyes remained fixated on the curtains as her friends stood up.

"Okay Han, we're really sorry but we have to go… I have to study and Spence has a thing with her parents at the country club. But we can come back later if you want us too?" Aria spoke, her voice was hopeful.

"No, It's fine… I have this thing anyway…" Hanna mumbled. '_Just another lie' _she internally scowled.

"Okay, if you say so… Bye Han, we love you!" Spencer added, placing her hand on the blonde's shoulder once again to say goodbye.

_Ha…no you don't! It's impossible to love me after all I've done, you just feel sorry for me… But I guess I'll take it…Pity._

Hanna just groaned back a response, as she heard her friends leave the room, secretly hoping sadness would creep up on her as they left. It never did.

Hanna looked at the alarm clock on her bedside table it was half one when her friends left.

When Hanna looked up again it was eight thirty, she must have fallen asleep. A blanket had been wrapped around her, and she saw a note sitting by a bottle of water, some fruit and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Her favourite since she was a little girl.

**Han,**

**I saw you were sleeping so I didn't want to wake you. I left you some food and water, in case you get hungry. I have a late meeting so I won't be home till after ten.**

**Love you,**

**Mom xx**

The mention of food in the note made Hanna aware of the hunger pangs hitting her hard in the stomach. She took one bite out of the apple, before setting upon the PB&J sandwich, within an instant it had disappeared, but the hunger inside of her only grew stronger.

Hanna found the energy within her and made her way downstairs in search of more food, she found an ice-cream container, containing the remains of the ice-cream she started on last night, she quickly finished the tub. She still felt the need to eat, she found leftovers from a chocolate cake, her mom had bought for dessert when Ted was over for dinner. Within a few minutes the cake had also disappeared.

It was now the guilt of eating, that she would have to deal with. She already did it this morning, it was easy just like all the times before. It wouldn't do any harm to do it again right. Hanna tried her best to justify her thoughts.

With the blink of an eye she found herself sitting on the all too familiar bathroom floor, taking deeps breaths, clenching her knuckles waiting for the burning sensation to subside. She cleaned up the mess and crawled back into bed, feeling strangely accomplished, she enjoyed having control over this one thing.

As she stared at the ceiling, a wave of weakness, dizziness and tiredness washed over her, ultimately helping her to sleep.

Who knew this was too become Hanna's daily routine for the next few weeks. She still attended school, but that didn't mean she paid any attention, the teacher still pitied her so she played that fact up to the best of her ability. She still met Spencer and Aria nearly everyday, their conversation usually revolving around the weather, school gossip or fashion… because it was a conversation that Hanna could speak for hours on without having to provide much emotion or effort. She tried her best to avoid Emily and Paige, but they had some run-ins, often resulting in one of them rapidly turning around and walking in the opposite direction, they never shared a moment of eye contact since that night, where Hanna had burned any ties she had with her once best friend. Hanna still put on her best acting performance for her mother at home, she couldn't put her own mom through everything she was going through.

Nothing changed over the past few weeks, nothing; Hanna's routine, her fake behaviour or her emotions. Hanna Marin was living in a spiraling world of numbness, and she couldn't stop herself from falling deeper…

The only thing Hanna found herself really caring about now, was the next time she would have the toothbrush back in her hand. Back in her hand to make everything feel better again.

* * *

**A/N: **Thanks for reading, please review and all comments and criticisms are welcome. Please feel free to PM me or review if you feel I'm not covering this topic properly or justly, as this chapter was extremely hard for me to write and I want to deal with this topic as true to life as possible. Thanks to everyone who reads, reviews, followed and favourited this Fic, it means a lot and gives me inspiration to continue writing. Thanks again -Katie


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I own everything... JK I wish.**

**Author's Note: I'm sorry for the late update, I was away since Thursday and I didn't have any internet. So here is what should have been Friday's update. Enjoy. I'll have another update, uploaded this Friday. :)**

**Warning: This story deals with an eating disorder, please read at your own discretion.**

* * *

"Hey Em, Aria and I are going to the library to study for our English exam on Wednesday. You interested?" Spencer asked, as she and Emily exited their math class.

"I'm sorry, I have swim practice… plus I already saw you asking Hanna earlier in the courtyard at lunch. It looked like she agreed to go, as well. So…" Emily stated, her thoughts saddened her more than she wanted them too. She really did miss her best friend. But it seemed as if Hanna was getting better, if Emily just placed herself back into Hanna's life now, she would be too much of a reminder of everything that's happened… '_Especially if deep down Hanna still blames me.' _Emily thought to herself.

"Maybe, it's time you and Hanna talked Em? I know she's still not back to her old self just yet, she's still hiding and not telling us everything… But Em I think she'd open up to you. She still missing that spark behind her blue eyes, she's still void of any emotion… We all know she's just putting on a brave face but it's just a mask. Neither Aria, nor I can get her to open up Emily… She needs you! It has been a couple of weeks now since your whole friendship disintegrated... But I know you two, probably too well! If you both would just talked instead of avoiding one another, it might actually help. Em you'd be helping her so much, but you'd also be helping yourself… I know you still can't even bare to think about trying to forgive yourself for that night, but talking to Hanna might help." Spencer spoke calmly truthfully and genuinely from her heart, she knew deep down that their friendship wasn't lost. Hanna and Emily might choose to end their friendship but there was no way in hell Spencer was letting them give up that easy. If she did, it would be like losing a competition or battle, and Hastings never lose. Ever.

"Okay, maybe I should talk to her… But Spence, I can't do this if I know she's just going to blame me, if I'm just gonna be a reminder of that night. It's not fair on Hanna" Emily spoke after considering Spencer's speech, trying her best to fight back the tears which threatened to fall. She really just wanted her best friend back, she really did miss Hanna, and that pain never went away since that night.

"Emily, I promise you, Hanna doesn't think that. I've already explained this so many times, that the person who sent that message wasn't Hanna, it was the sadness inside of her looking for someone else to feel the pain she was feeling." Spencer replied sincerely to her slightly taller friend, trying to ease her concerns at the same time.

"Okay. I'll consider it, but I do have to go to swim practice, so can we maybe meet up later?" Emily asked, as a feeling of hope but also a sense of nervousness washed over her. Emily was fully prepared with what she wanted to say to the blonde, she had been practicing ever night since she received that text, but one thing she can't prepare herself for is; how will Hanna respond to it all.

"Sure, my place at 5?" Spencer added with a hopeful smile.

"I'll try my best to make it okay! I miss when it's just the four of us. I miss hearing you and Hanna bickering over schoolwork or how she miss-pronounced a word. I miss the times when the four of us could talk, laugh and joke for hours on end and not have to worry about anything. I miss our Team Sparia versus Team Hannily moments… I miss it... I miss it all Spence…" Emily's voice broke as she whispered out the last part, and a few warm teardrops rolled softly down her tanned cheeks.

"I know Em. Me too" Spencer pulled the swimmer into a tight hug.

"You better go, or else you'll be late." Spencer wiped the tear strains off her friend's cheeks. "I don't want McCullers to come after me like she did with Hanna, especially if she finds out I made you cry… Although if she did I could definitely take her" Spencer's added, knowing exactly how to make her friend smile. Even though she was dead serious about the last part.

"Sure... Whatever you think, Spence!" Emily laughed at Spencer's competitive attitude, immediately picking up on Spencer being serious about being able to take Paige.

"Thanks Spencer" Emily shouted and turned back towards her friend, sending her a heart-warming smile as she headed in the direction of the locker room.

* * *

"So are you guys feeling any more prepared for the exam on Wednesday?" Aria asked the two other girls, trying her best to make small talk.

"Come on Aria, you know I was born prepared" Spencer returned in mock disgust at Aria question, all the while nudging her tiny friend.

"Han, how about you?" Aria asked again, trying to involve the blonde.

"Ummm, if it's an exam on the fall fashion for 2012 I should be okay. I read one page of that pride and pineapple juice book and I had to force myself not to fall asleep. It's not even written in proper English" Hanna responded quietly to Aria's question.

"I think you mean Pride and Prejudice Han? It's only one of the most well-known books in the world..." Spencer added, as she and Aria burst into laughter, at Hanna's mistake.

"Oh okay, sorry" Spencer and Aria laughter was quickly brought to a sudden halt by Hanna's blunt response. The blonde didn't even attempt to challenge her taller friend like she used to.

"Okay, it's 4:30 now. I have to run into town to pick some things up for Melissa, and I can I'll also pick up some food for later. So yeah, meet back in mine at 5?" Spencer stated, trying her best to break the now evident awkward silence, before she quickly down the hall towards the school exits.

"Come bathroom with me before we leave Han?" Aria asked.

"Sure, no problem. You're also my ride, so there's not really anywhere else I can go…" Hanna added as the two girls headed off in the direction of the bathrooms near the locker rooms, they are the only bathroom open after normal school hours.

"Hey Aria, I need to send a quick text to my Mom and tell her I'm going to Spencer's… but there's no signal in here I'll be just outside the door kay?" Hanna shouted over the stall door.

"Cool, be out in a minute!" Aria responded as she heard the bathroom door open.

Just as Hanna left the bathroom, her stomach growled at her, making her conscious of just how hungry she actually was. Today, she only picked at a small green salad for lunch because she wasn't feeling that hungry. Surprising, especially after she had so easily emptied her stomach the night before, having feasted on ice-cream and cup-cakes when her Mom had another late night meeting.

The hunger pang struck again, this time bringing a bout of dizziness with it. Hanna took a sip of her diet coke in the hope of an energy boost. The next minute she heard her phone bing. She was expecting it to be from her mother but instead it was from –A.

**Emily's gonna walk out of the locker room any second. Don't let her talk to you or else all of Rosewood gets to see what Hanna Marin really does with her toothbrush. Xo –A**

The unexpected text only made Hanna's head spin faster, her heart was racing, and the hunger pains in her stomach intensified to the point where she felt nauseous. On cue, the locker room doors about 20ft away from where Hanna stood opened and out came Emily Fields, looking just as shocked and nervous to see the familiar blue eyes staring back at her.

"Hanna! Han, we need to talk, please can we talk. I need to talk". Emily asked Hanna who was still stood about 20ft from her.

"No! No Emily we can't, I can't talk about this. Go please just GO!" Hanna shouted in the taller girls direction, but it only caused the dizziness to completely overwhelm her and before she knew she was falling into complete darkness.

"HANNA!" Emily sprinted towards her once best friend, in an attempt to catch her before she hit the ground. Luckily she did reach her in time. Emily quickly checked Hanna's pulse, it was definitely there but her lips had turned to a terrifying shade of blue and her body was shaky slightly. Within that minute Aria also rushed through the bathroom door.

"Em? What the hell happened?!" Aria asked now kneeling down beside her two friends.

"Pass me the coke from Hanna's bag, I think she fainted" Emily spoke her voice lack of any emotion as she focused on getting Hanna better.

"Hanna you need to drink this please" Emily whispered into the blonde's ear as she slowly re-gained consciousness. Emily then handed the coke back to Aria along with two protein bars. "Aria, make sure she finishes all the coke and eats both these bars please, I'm sorry but I need to go. I can't be here. I'm sorry." Emily said, an overwhelming sensation of sadness now ripping through her body.

"I was never here okay. Try convince her it wasn't me please Ar, this is all my fault. I'm sorry. I'm just really sorry okay?" Emily got up and quickly ran away, not having the ability to look back at Hanna or Aria.

"Em…Emily!" Aria shouted after her dark-haired friend.

Emily just kept running towards her car even though it was getting increasingly difficult, as her vision blurred from the never-ending stream of tears staining her cheeks. Emily climbed into her car, and clenched the steering wheel in front of her hoping the tears would stop coming. They didn't. The tears burned and it only made her knuckles go white as she gripped the steering wheel tighter.

Emily took her phone out to text Aria to make sure Hanna was okay. Once she lit up the screen to text, she was immediately reminded by the text she just received before she complete messed everything up.

**Hey Em, I much prefer messing with you and Hanna as pair. I think it's time you two made up, next time you see Hanna make sure to talk to her… or else I might just send her one of these [5 Attachments] Xo –A**

The attachments included five different photos of Hanna and Caleb together; two of them kissing, another two of them laughing and messing about and the final was a photo of them holding hands and smiling lovingly at each other. Emily knew if –A sent Hanna these photos it would tear her a part, just talking to Hanna was the better of two options but look where that got them now.

Anger suddenly overwhelmed Emily, something she wasn't very used too. She threw her phone into the back of her car with force, hearing it break apart as it slammed against one of the back doors. "Emily! What's wrong? What happened?… I saw Hanna and now you? Like this... What's going on?" Paige asked as she climbed into the passenger side of the car.

"It's all my fault, I'm so stupid. Why did I ever trust him? I messed this whole thing up. I'm to blame for the mess Hanna's in. It should be me." Emily shouted through her sobs, hitting her fist harder and harder against the steeling wheel before her, causing two of her knuckles on her left hand to bleed.

Before she could hit it again, Paige grabbed her into a tight embrace. It took all her strength to hold Emily still as she fought against her.

"Paige, I don't deserve this, let me go, please just fuckin' let me go!" Emily yelled up at her girlfriend, the constant stream of tears refusing to stop.

"Emily. Listen to me, when I left the school, Hanna had regained consciousness. She looked extremely confused but Aria was calming her down. Hanna is okay, she will be okay, you both will get through this." Paige spoke calmly still pulling Emily into her hold, as the tan girl tried her best to escape the grasp of her girlfriend.

"You don't know that Paige! Let me go!" Emily hissed as her anger still took control.

"Really Em? You and Hanna are like Woody and Buzz, Shaggy and Scooby, Spongebob and Patrick… You too are like an old couple who have been married for twenty plus years. I mean I would definitely feel threatened if Hanna ever turned out to be gay, I mean I'd never stand a chance. You two are soul mates… Just in the friend kind of way. Hopefully it stays like that, because like I said I'd never stand at chance. As your girlfriend I've already accepted the fact that when we're two old ladies sitting on our front porch watching the sun-set in our rocking chairs, telling stories of our past and talking about our grandchildren… I'm pretty sure Hanna's gonna be sitting right there next to us. So Emily, yes I do know that… You and Hanna are a packaged deal. You don't get one without getting the other. That's just the way your friendship works." Paige spoke honestly, confidently and truly from her heart, she really did mean everything she just said.

On hearing Paige's words, Emily finally collapsed into her girlfriends arms, her sobs becoming uncontrollable. "I miss her, I just want everything to rewind and be okay again… I miss my best friend." Emily wept into Paige's shoulder before eventually falling asleep from pure emotional exhaustion. Paige pulled her onto the passenger seat, so she could drive them home.

* * *

"Aria, what happened? Where's Emily?" Hanna asked her head still spinning from her fainting.

"Drink this and eat these please! I'll answer you then" Aria returned knowing by withholding information from Hanna, it would make her eat and drink the coke.

"Okay done, what the hell happened?! Emily was just here and then I blacked out" Hanna pushed further, she was in need of some kind of infomation.

"Hanna you fainted, probably from stress, tiredness and hunger… Hanna please tell me you're not doing something to harm yourself. You promised Spencer and I that you wouldn't and it's been a few weeks since then? Han are you?" Aria asked her voice laced with concern.

"Aria, can you just drop that subject! I'm passed all that! I promised you and Spencer I would never go back down that road" Guilt immediately making itself known within the blonde as her stomach clenched._ Lies, more lies._

"Emily was here, where the hell is she now? Aria just answer my fricken' question" Hanna was now quickly becoming more and more angry.

"Han, Emily wasn't here… Are you sure it wasn't another swimmer you saw?" Aria replied trying to her best ability to be convincing.

"Aria, you're lying to me. I know what I saw… I've fucked it up again haven't I, you're only lying to protect me." Hanna hissed at the petite girl sitting on the floor beside her.

Hanna's mind immediately played back everything she could remember, everything what happened a few minutes before; '_Emily, her face was written with guilt and pure concern. I know she's coming over to apologuise... I can't let her. What –A has on me is too big, it's too dangerous. I can see in her brown eyes just how sorry she truly is… She shouldn't be. Her features completely changed as I refuse to talk to her, the look of guilt growing stronger behind her now glistening eyes, her face now also masked with pure sadness and disgust. The strange thing is she isn't disgusted at me, it's aimed at herself. I start to feel weak and can't stand any longer. My vision disappears and I hear her call out my name. I'm expecting myself to hit the cold ground hard, but instead she catches me. I must have completely blacked out then because the last thing I remember was her asking me to drink something and apologuising to Aria that she had to go. How I managed to find another part of Emily to break I'll never know…'_

"Aria… I need to go home, please can you just bring me home" Hanna spoke, her voice void of any emotion once again. Hanna knew exactly why she wanted to go home. It was still early and her Mom wouldn't be home till 7pm, she would be alone, there was food, but most importantly there was her toothbrush. There was control.

* * *

"Thanks for bringing me home and wrapping my hand up, Paige" Emily spoke, her voice husky and still slightly quivered from the sobs still trying to break free.

"No problem Em. If I can't be your soul mate at least I can be your chauffeur or nurse..." Paige replied brushing the slightly taller girl's hair out of her face as they both lay on Emily's bed, in what was a comfortable silence before Emily decided to talk. But her secondary comment earned her a painful nudge to the ribs, at least it cause a smile to flash across Emily's face, unfortunately not strong enough to hold off her sadness for longer than a few seconds

"Paige, can I use your phone? I have to text Spencer and Aria and I think I messed mine up earlier… It's after five right?" Emily spoke softly.

"Yep, it's 5:15… and sure" Paige returned as she handed her phone over to her girlfriend.

Emily took a deep breath as she began to write the short, but simple and to-the-point message, telling Spencer and Aria exactly what they didn't want to believe.

**Hey, I'm sure at this point you both know everything that happened after school? I know you're both probably still confused by my actions, but you guys can't worry about me. I can't be there for Hanna right now… It's too hard and it's not fair on her. You NEED to be there for her. It has gone too far… She IS back there. –Emily**

As Emily clicked the send button, her sobs broke free once again. Writing out the message, really made the fact that Hanna was back to where she was three years ago really sink in. How did things ever get this bad.

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**A/N: **Thank you to everyone who follows, and favourited this story. A big THANK YOU to those who have reviewed, you have no idea how much it means and gives me inspiration to continue writing. Please continue to review this chapter, all comments are gratefully accepted. I hope you enjoyed this update, thanks again -Katie


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I own nothing [Sad face]**

**Warning: This Fic deals with an eating disorder, so please read at your own discretion.**

* * *

As soon as Hanna made her way into the house, she immediately ran to the fridge, knowing she would find, at least a few minutes happiness there. She stuck to one of her old reliables; Ice-cream and also found some pastries, her Mom had leftover in the fridge, from a work-related dinner party she had hosted the night before.

Hanna took the food and went to sit down in front of the telly, another way of distracting herself from the days events. After watching a single episode of Friends she realised, that she had already managed to finish off the tub of ice cream and ate three quarters of what was left of the pastries. Here came that dreaded familiar feeling again. On top of her guilt, Hanna also felt bloated, to the point where she wasn't sure if she could make it upstairs, in turn, only making her feel worse about herself.

The food she ate for comfort always did it's job, it always made her feel that little bit better, in fact it really just helped her to feel something outside of the numbness her body had grown so too. She secretly hoped and prayed that the guilty, and regretful feelings afterwards would just never come. But they always did.

Hanna found herself staring in the mirror before doing her _job. _This had also become part of her new routine, it pushed her to go ahead with it. Just seeing her reflection made her realise exactly why she was doing this, she noticed the obvious changes in her appearance. Her once beautiful, silky, voluminous hair was now just limp, and lost it's shine, the bags below her eyes grew darker with every passing second and her whole face was beginning to taking on a ghoulish shape, as the pounds were beginning to fall off. This strangely, did in fact scare Hanna, her weight wasn't the reason she found herself laying shaking beside the toilet bowl most nights, it was her need for control. This was the one thing she could control, her whole life was spiraling out of control, and hasn't stopped spinning since that night, in fact it only seems to have sped up. But the control she got from emptying her stomach, sent a huge surge of adrenalin through her body, making her feel alive… reassuring her that she was still alive.

Hanna was beginning to detest her toothbrush she stared at it in anger, the luminous pink handle was always staring violently up at her, taunting her, just like it was now. She hated it. But within a second she found her hand clasped tightly around it, as she couldn't bare to look in the mirror any longer, she had ashamed the reflection looking back at her for long enough.

She made her way over to the oh-so familiar toilet bowl and proceeded with the action that had become second nature to her. The burning sensation intensifying as she emptied her stomach, the dizziness swirling around her head while adrenaline pumped through her veins. There was the feeling she had longed for so much. The feeling that gave her the power to do this everyday. The burning sensation in her throat had reached a level she never felt before, she then started having a coughing fit as her body tried to clear the irritation in her throat, it only made the pain worse. Hanna heard her mother come in downstairs and placed her hand over her mouth to muffle the noise coming from her. Eventually she regained control over her body and quickly cleaned up the bathroom, placing the toothbrush back into it's holder. A strange metallic taste made itself apparent in her mouth, it was only then, when Hanna look down at her hand, had she noticed the blood. Seeing the blood, sent shock-waves through her body, she clutched onto the sink and onto the wall, in order to keep herself up right, it was in this moment Hanna really understood the damaging consequences of what she was putting her body through. Things have reached a dangerous level. Would this realisation be enough to help Hanna get over her affiliation with the toilet bowl and luminous pink toothbrush?

"Hanna, come here please? I need to talk to you?" Ashley shouted upstairs for her daughter to hear.

'_Fuck!, She knows… She knows, how the hell does she know?' _Hanna thought to herself, as she gulped down the remains of a bottle of water from her bedside table, in hope it would aid her burning throat. Luckily it did, but only to the point where she could actually talk again. Hanna eventually built up the courage and walked downstairs to face her mother.

"Yeah Mom… What d'ya want?" Hanna asked, her voice sounding hoarse, but she hoped her mother would look past this.

Ashley's eyes scanned her daughter's face, a look flashed across her face, but Hanna was unable to read it and only caused her more confusion.

"Ummm… I just wanted to know what you'd like for dinner?" Ashley asked as her eyes scrutinised Hanna further, but Hanna was still incapable of reading what her Mom's eyes were actually looking for, '_Did she know?'._

"How about some Mac and Cheese? I'm not feeling that great and I love your homemade macaroni and cheese. It always makes me feel warm on the inside" Hanna returned, still trying to act as normal as ever '_Lies. Lies. Lies'._ A rush of dizziness washed over the blonde and she suddenly felt too hot and slightly claustrophobic, standing in her own kitchen.

"Sure, maybe you should go _lie_ down on the couch for a bit, I can make you some tea?" Ashley asked, her voiced laced with a genuine concern.

"Ummm, actually I have to drop something over to Spencer, and maybe some fresh air would make... me feel a little better?… I can be back before dinner." Hanna tried to speak calmly, but the need to escape her home and her mother was becoming overwhelming.

"Are your sure, Why can't Spencer come collect it here?…" Ashley asked her eyes still running across her daughter.

"Ummm, because she can't… she umm has, she had this thing to do. I also said I would umm bring it.. yeah I said I'd bring it to her." Hanna spoke, trying her best to avoid tripping over her words.

"Bye Mom!" Hanna said, not waiting to hear her mother's response, she grabbed her bag in the meantime to make it seem like what she had said was at least that little bit truthful.

Finally outside, Hanna could breath again. The cold crisp air was definitely one of her favourite things about autumn. The thought of texting either Spencer or Aria definitely played inside her mind. Was she finally ready to let someone in? She hated seeing the way her mother was looking at her this evening, '_if she knew why didn't she say anything.'_ It was the first time the pain and disappointment transcended the numbness which overtook her body so often, over the past few weeks. Her only escape was her toothbrush, but with the feeling of pure shame and disappointment that she felt today, it just made her want to stop. She wanted her Mother to look at her again like she used to. Today was the first day, Hanna saw true fear and genuine sadness behind her mother eyes, Hanna now completely understood the look that flashed across her Mother's face earlier, before today she use to look at her as if, if she confronted her, Hanna would break even further, but the look Hanna saw today showed just how much she was hurting the people around her, she couldn't keep doing this. '_Am I ready to talk?'._ This new idea was now making itself known within Hanna's now overly confused mind.

Hanna took out her phone to send a text. It was only when she started typing out the message, that she noticed she was shaking and warm tears were rolling down her cheeks, one landing perfectly on the lit up screen and just stared back at her.

**I'm in the park. I need to talk. Please come. Xo –Han **

Hanna just glared at the phone, before the darkness inside of her decided to raise it's ugly head; '_What are you doing? Why would they care? They don't need your problems'. _ The words ringing out inside of her like an alarm bell, causing Hanna to immediately delete the text, she had just composed ready to send to Aria and Spencer. The words inside her head, now, only encouraging her tears to fall harder and faster. '_When is it going to stop?'_. Suddenly, Hanna still looking at the blank phone before her, walked into a tall manly figure.

"Hanna?" The body asked, slightly confused.

"Jason…?" Hanna returned when she got over the initial shock of running into him.

"Are you okay? Come over here we can sit down and talk… That is, only if you want too though." Jason returned shocked to see the state the blonde girl was in, he started walking towards a nearby bench.

Hanna meekly followed behind him.

Jason just sat down on the cold bench and waited for Hanna to talk. They were sitting together in silence for at least 10 minutes before Hanna decided to talk.

"I... I'm sorry about the last night… The kiss" Hanna whispered, embarrassment turning her face a bright red colour.

"It's fine, that already old news… How are you feeling now, since then?" Jason replied looking at blonde, who refused to look back at him.

"Worse…" was all Hanna could get out before her sobs whimpered through.

"You know you can talk to me, Hanna…" Jason added, sure of himself.

"I'm scared, I'm scared of this thing getting worse. I've already messed up so much… I can't disappoint them any longer… I can't talk to them, it makes everything too real, I can't accept that…_He's…_gone. If I talk, it means I'm accepting that, it means I'm moving on… That isn't fair, I can't just get on with my life while _he's still dead_. Hanna whimpered through her words.

"You know deep down that's not true. Everything you just said there proves that, that is not true. Yes, Hanna you would be moving on, but you're not forgetting. This may surprise you but I would actually considered _Caleb…"_Hanna took a deep breath when she heard his name "… to be a really good guy. He helped me out a lot. I dunno if you know this but we worked together quite a bit, he really tried helping me find out things related to Alison's death. I never asked him to help me, one day he just came up to me in the grille, and asked me if he could. I always wondered why he offered, he never knew Alison, I mean he didn't even really know me, but he said that if it was you who was in Ali's place he would want people to do everything in their power to get justice. He told me how if it was you, Hanna, who died instead of Alison he would fight till his death, until he knew justice had been served. Hanna, _Caleb _really loved you, loved you to a point, I don't think you'll ever comprehend. He would hate seeing you like this, we both know that. Luckily in this case justice has been served, Nate got what he deserved, and Emily did that for you, don't try thinking about that fact in any other way. Justice was served, and it would kill _Caleb _even more if he was to see you like this, destroying your own life. He would want you to be happy. He said that, if that was you in Alison's place and you were gone, that it would probably kill him, but that he knew he had to get on with his life, because if he didn't he would be disappointing you Hanna. I think that was his reason for wanting to help me, it's extremely hard to move on from something as big and terrible as murder, especially when justice hasn't been served, when you're still missing answers. But Hanna you have all that, Emily brought you that justice. You know deep down he would want you to feel happy again, to be the Hanna Marin he fell in love with again. You need to talk to your Mom, to your friends and most importantly Emily… I don't think you realise how much she has done for you. Caleb was a great guy, he may be _dead_ but there is a part of him that will always live on inside of you Hanna, so don't ever forget that." Jason spoke truthfully, and knew that was exactly what Hanna need to hear.

Hanna couldn't bring herself to form any words, she silently sobbed to herself, it all finally began to make sense. Hanna felt the pain slowly starting to rebuild inside of her, strangely it was a good thing, it was a feeling.

Hanna's mind was racing she didn't notice herself tucked warmly under Jason's arm, as he held her as she continued to cry.

She eventually found her words, "Thank you Jason, Alison was so lucky to grow up with a brother like you" Hanna whimpered, her words just barely audible.

"Come on, I'll drop you home. You ready to talk?" Jason smiled at the blonde sat beside him. Hanna just nodded in response.

When they arrived at the Marin house, Jason spoke again "Things do get better Hanna, I promise. I don't think you realise how lucky you are. You have so many people around you, people who care so dearly for you, especially your friends. I wish I had friends like yours when I was in a similar situation. Hanna whether you choose to see it or not, they are always there for you."

Hanna let out a watery smile as she got up out of the car, before closing the door, she turned back towards Jason, "Thank you… You know you're not a bad guy either Jason, you also deserve happiness" and with that Hanna turned to walk into her house.

When Hanna walked into her home, she was immediately met by the smell of mac and cheese, in a strange way it made her feel safe. It was the one thing her mother cooked for her, when she sad or sick. She remembers it being the meal, her and her Mom sat down to eat the first night her Dad had left, it should be associated with bad things in a way, but instead it just always made her feel safe and at home, she remembers her mom saying to her that night, "As long as there's mac & cheese, we can get through anything.", even though Ashley said it through tears it still made Hanna smile.

She walked into her sitting room, and in front of her she saw her Mom sitting on the couch with two bowls of mac & cheese steaming before her. Ashley just looked over at her daughter and tapped the couch, encouraging Hanna to come sit beside her. Hanna lay her head on her mother's shoulder as she ate and curled up under the blanket. At first no words were spoken, they just shared the odd laugh at the Sex and The City re-runs playing quitely on the TV screen before them.

"Mom, how did you know?" Hanna whispered, unsure of herself.

"Hanna, a Mom always knows these things. Today, was the first day I realised just how far things have gone. I could tell by the look on your face in the kitchen. I knew if I had approached that dreaded question then, I would've lost you. I knew you would eventually come to me, I was pretty sure it was gonna be tonight as well, I knew it would be tonight, in the moment you asked for mac and cheese." Ashley spoke softly, comforting her daughter.

"I'm sorry, I disappointed you..." Hanna's voice broke again, her vision immediately blurring on hearing her mother's words.

"Hanna, I promise you, you did not disappoint. Not even in the slightest. I cannot bare to imagine what it feels like to go through what you are. I know this won't be a quick fix, but we got through this once before, I know we can again." Ashley returned a single tear forming a path down her left cheek.

"It's so hard, painful and scary. Mom I'm scared... i'm scared to accept that he's actually gone" Hanna said, as she cuddle further into her mother's arms. The pain making itself known inside of her once again.

"I know Han... I know" Ashley replied pushing her figures through her daughter hair, just another thing she enjoyed since being a child.

"How about texting Em, Spence and Aria? There is plenty more Mac & Cheese to go round..." Ashley spoke, hopefully.

"I've messed up there too... I don't think Emily would want to hear from me" Hanna spoke, her voice broken.

"Hanna, whatever happened there I know it can be fixed, but if you need time with that, that's okay too. But how about texting Spencer and Aria, I'm sure they'd love to hear from you..." Ashley replied to her daughter.

Hanna took out her phone and re-composed the message she had written earlier.

**Meet me at my house? It's time, I need to talk. Thanks Xo -Han**

This time she found it within herself to send the message, slowly, very slowly she was easing the pain inside her. But some of her worst battles were yet to come, one being Emily and the other being just she hold off on going back to now day-to-day routine, could she hold off taking the toothbrush and once again returning to her old ways. Hanna still had a tough fight on her hands, nothing in life ever came that easy.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Thanks again to everyone who favourited, followed and reviewed, I am SO GRATEFUL for your support. Please continue to review this chapter, all comments are welcome :). Unless people really want me to continue, this may be the second or third last chapter in this story. If any one out there would like me to continue this fic, please send me some ideas. As of now Hanna will have no love interests, as I mainly wanted to deal with her getting over Caleb in this Fic, focus on her eating disorder and her relationship with the people around her. But if I was too continue, I would be open to suggestions about this, or any kind of suggestions at all. Thanks again for the support, it means more than I can express in a fan fiction author's note. -Katie


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